Saturday, March 13, 2010


Tonight I watched the movie Management, and the entire time watching it I kept getting this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I don't know if it was because I was tired or because all of the characters in the show were lonely to begin with. I do know that it put me in a thoughtful state.

So I updated my facebook page, sort of puttered around for a little while, and thought about things.

I'm doing the weight watchers diet right now. I'm not doing it to be healthy. My family has been heavy for generations, and we all live to be about 85, except my grampa who, curiously, was pretty skinny. He died in his 70s of a heart attack.

No, health is a pretty low concern of mine. Instead, I'm doing it because I completely understood that movie. I am alone. I am lonely.

That's a funny thing to say, and it would be a funny thing, I would think, to hear, if you knew me. I don't come off as lonely. I have over 500 facebook friends, and of those, I honestly do have quite a few real ones. I have a very close, very tight knit family. I'm not even really afraid of anyone these days, not even REALLY pretty girls!

Nevertheless, I sat down, I watched this movie, and I came face to face with the fact that I am a painfully lonely individual, who's decided to try to lose weight using weight watchers because he's now 29 and he's only had about 1 and 1/2 girlfriends and literally no prospects for any future ones.

Look at this. In my very first post that wasn't a test post I wrote, "In an effort to stop taking myself so seriously (I'm sure that happens), I've decided to create a blog specifically for talking about nothing, cracking wise, and kicking ass."

That's what I wrote. Of course, I TITLED my damned site "how to get babes without even trying." So what do you believe? That I wanted to make a few jokes, or that I wanted to spend inordinate amounts of time talking about my inevitably failed attempts at getting babes? Or, I guess, both.

That's really what weight watchers is. It isn't something for people who want to be healthy, because NO ONE WANTS TO BE HEALTHY. You don't wake up and think, "Hey, starting today, I'd like to be healthy, and I'd like to do so by losing a lot of weight!"

No, you wake up. You look at yourself in the mirror, and you think, "This is why I am lonely." And so you step on the scale, and now you can put a number on your loneliness.

And then you go out, and you learn control. You learn that hunger is a good thing and feeling full is bad. You learn that seeing the outlines of bones in your skin is wonderful. You control. You lose weight. You get to your ideal weight. You weigh yourself, and you go to bed.

Then you wake up, you look in the mirror, and you realize that the past few days/months/years haven't worked. You did everything you were supposed to do, but the promise hasn't happened.

You look in the mirror at your body, and you struggle with the fact that science says you are perfect, but you know that you are not. Because you are still lonely.

So maybe science made a mistake. Maybe you need to lose more weight. Maybe an ideal weight for most people isn't the right weight for you.

What a sad, sad world this is, where our primary hope for an end to the indomitable loneliness has nothing to do with our smiles or our hugs. Where we get up and we even think that the mirror holds the key to the end of our misery.

A funny thing about populist movements is that they are very good at identifying problems, but extremely bad at identifying solutions that work. In that sense, this post is absolutely worthless. I know (and I'm guessing most everyone else knows) what the problem is.

Thing is, just knowing about a problem isn't a solution. And I have no real stomach to bother searching one out. If you want to get babes, this isn't the way. I don't know what the way is, but this isn't it.

So instead I'll just say that I did pretty well on my weight watchers points today, and I'm gonna go to sleep now, as lonely as I was when I woke up and as alone as I've been in a long, long time.

But fuck it. Just because I'm lonely doesn't mean I can't tell jokes tomorrow. It doesn't mean I can't smile or give out an uncomfortably large number of hugs. It just means that, when I'm done giving out all those hugs, I get to go home and hug only my pillow goodnight.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Being a better person

I really enjoyed writing that last post, and I just watched Scrubs, which invariably puts me in an introspective mood, so I thought maybe I'd write another post. This isn't to say that I'll write ever again, but just one more can't hurt.

Often in my life I make major pronouncements. Such and such will never happen again. After today, it's all going to be different. I'm nervous, because I'm about to turn over a new leaf in my life.

Yet for all that I say those things, I almost never mean them. Not really. Oh, I mean them at the time, but 12 hours later, or, at maximum, a week later, I turn back into my regular old self.

I think that's why I was so proud the first time I finished writing a book. It took well over a year. The first fifteen pages alone took over six months. Yet somehow I managed to stick through everything else and finish the damned thing. It sucked, and I'm now going back and changing it so much that, except for a few surface details, it really can't be called the same story. Nevertheless, it was something I finished, and I was proud of that.

I sometimes wonder if it's really possible for any person to to really change much beyond their set point. Recovering alcoholics still exhibit alcoholic behaviors, even if those behaviors are channeled into less self-destructive areas. Those suffering from depression must forever deal with the possibility of falling back into their depressed states. The meticulous have a hard time letting going, and the relaxed have a difficult time attending to detail.

Every time I say it, it sounds corny, but it's simply impossible to escape the fact that I am who I am. I don't attend well to detail. I forget names easily and dates frequently. I have a hard time falling through on almost anything and may never have experienced or enjoyed experiencing routine in my entire life. I tend to stay up late for no reason and simply don't understand the tendency of people to arrive on early.

All of these are traits I really wish I didn't have. They have caused me no end of pain, making me difficult to work with, difficult to deal with, and and have probably put a large strain on quite a few of my friendships.

And every time I come to this realization, I think, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall change. Tomorrow I will be a better man. Tomorrow I will finally become the man I wish I was."

And, of course, tomorrow rolls along, and I'm not that man. I don't do yoga, or go jogging, or suddenly start studying for 8 hours at a go. I don't niggle at a problem until I've solved it. I don't wake up at 7AM and get straight to work after doing 20 pushups. Usually, when tomorrow rolls around, I'm the same guy then as I was yesterday and the day before that.

I love to start things. I love to get really excited about them and get others really excited about them. I love to write. I love to think and see beautiful things. I love my words to sound poetic or funny in such a natural way that you don't even realize you've read something interesting after the fact. I love imaginary rules that work, like the rule of three.

I could start something new every day, really get the ball rolling, hand it off to somebody, and then never think about it again, except in an "I wonder what ever happened to that?" kind of way.

As far as I can tell, my natural way of being makes me pretty useless to practically every industry in the world. And so, everyday, I get to wake up and struggle with myself to be a better person. Total suck, there.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

An attempt at reconcilliation

It's been about two years since I've posted to this blog, which, I believe, means it's probably safe to post here now. I'm guessing not many readers left, so it'll just be me and my thoughts. And maybe the occasional stranger who will have no idea who I am or why I'm writing.

It's funny how life often seems to come back around again to the same place. I noticed, a few days ago, that my life at the moment seems quite a bit like the life I had back in April of 2006. Except back then I was looking forward to a new life in law school. These days... who knows what I'm looking forward to. Re-taking the bar? Becoming a lawyer? Writing a book that most publishers will probably completely ignore?

It sucks to be stuck in the mire. It sucks to be at that point in life when you realize that most people don't realize their dreams, and you look to be yet another of the faceless masses.

None of that is why I'm writing today. I'm writing because this blog is called "how to get babes without even trying." Before I continue, I want to make clear that the title exists as a statement of irony. If you know me, you know I should be the last person you consult about getting a babe without trying. I have yet to accomplish the feat myself (except, possibly, in one unexpected and, in retrospect, fairly magical moment), so my suggestions are all based on humor, pop culture, various myths, and a whole lot of clap-trap. If you are willing to look back on my postings back in 2006, I can assure you that the train I was riding back then is the very same train I am riding today. It would be funny, if it weren't so shitty.

The blog was also intended as a joke. Reading a blog on how to get babes IS trying, so writing a blog about how to do so without trying is delightfully ironic.

Alright, now that my full disclosure is out of the way, let's get to the brass facts. (Is that the phrase?) There was this girl. In fact, there IS this girl. She's very much still around, just not so much around in my life. I had grown to quite like this girl, but, as is fairly common, she did not like me back.

And so I spent, quite literally, months trying to convince her otherwise, trying to get her to give me just a chance. But it never worked. It was the most open I've ever been with a woman over the course of any period. Oh, in the past I've laid it all on the line, but that only takes a few minutes. Usually, once it's all on the line, if she says no, I calmly walk away and then sit in a funk for a few days/weeks/months. Not this time. This time I didn't give up, and it didn't matter. No was always the answer.

I think this puts me, officially, out of ideas. I have none left. The only time I ever lucked out in my entire life I screwed up, and this girl is yet more proof that I am out of luck for, as far as I can tell, the rest of time. I am going to grow up and be that crazy snake guy I wrote about many moons ago. That guy is awesome, but I'd much rather know him than be him.

Enough of the whining. That also isn't why I'm writing today. I'm writing because I want to talk about this girl.

Let me take a second to tell you about her. If you know me, you know that I'm willing to spend a lot of time mooning over a girl, but very little time actively pursuing one. In fact, as I think back on it, the only other girl I've ever actively (key word being "actively") pursued was the now infamous Bosnian Babe, and with her there was a great deal of non-pursuit, so the young woman being discussed today is practically unique.

How is she unique? I'll tell you, but first let me point to all the ways she isn't unique at all.

First off, she's beautiful. There's nothing unique about that. She also happens to love her family, which, again, is not especially unique. Back in the days of MySpace, practically every girl "loved (her) family." She is a very compassionate girl, which is, once again, pretty mundane in the land of women. She is a social worker, which is, without question, an important and pretty amazing job in that she helps the young in ways I couldn't even begin to dream of doing, but I am an unusual person, and I happen to know a surprisingly large number of people who are social workers. So... once again, nothing especially new here.

Don't get me wrong, btw. When you roll all of these things into a bundle, she suddenly looks like the absolute cream of the crop. If she were also rich, I could have saved myself the trouble and walked the other way months ago.

The thing is, none of these things are a reason for me to be persistent. In fact, almost all of them are reasons for me to be too afraid to say anything ever and certainly too afraid to say anything after the initial rejection.

Which brings us to the unique thing.

I never once, not even today, felt like she was too good for me. That might sound like a put down, but let me assure you, it absolutely isn't. In my head, I realize that all the facts point to her being too good for me, but life is about more than a bunch of stupid facts. When I talked to her, I heard her actually listening, and when she talked to me, I did not feel overwhelmed. Our conversations were lively, interesting, and always dynamic. There was rarely, if ever, an uncomfortable pause. We danced together, and I never once felt awkward. If I sent her a note, I never once worried that she wouldn't respond because she felt better than me.

The roots of love lie in friendship, and I don't think I doubted our friendship from the first moment we started talking.

So that's the magic. That was the push that made go back over and over. A couple times she even asked me why I was still being so persistent. I never really had a good response, and I think that's because I didn't know. I hadn't sat down to consider why I was acting so much unlike myself.

In retrospect, it doesn't really feel like magic. "She's unique, because I'm not afraid of her"? Sounds more moronic than magic. Or, at least, it does until I take a second to remember that I am who I am. I am an introvert hiding in an extrovert's body. I am afraid of practically anyone and everyone. If you are like me, and you find a woman who makes your heart beat a little faster, while at the same time making you feel absolutely comfortable in yourself, you have to go after her. It's just how life must be.

About a week ago, the light conversation I'd been trying to maintain broke off. I don't remember who, either she or I, became serious and decided it was time to talk about our future.

She said she simply had no interest. I guess, as I think on it, I can't blame her. Even if she feels exactly the same way about our conversation and our ability to connect, none of that necessarily equates to anything approaching a relationship. All that is is the workings of a current and future good friendship, and it takes much more than that to make a deeper relationship work.

It takes qualities you respect. It takes qualities you find attractive in a mate. It takes an ocean to float a ship. Just because I happen to find her beautiful in mind, body, and personality, it doesn't mean that she has to find me vaguely attractive in any of those categories.

Plus, looking far, far into the future, I can practically guarantee that I will have very pudgy children. (This part is a joke.)

And so here we are today. The very reason she would like to be friends is one half of the reason I don't think we can be. Even if we tried it, I would find myself growing so comfortable and happy that I'd try to make it something she does not want, and then she would be forced to say no. I don't want to have to put her in that position, and I REALLY don't want to be told no over and over some more. (That's a moment of selfishness, right there.)

Which leads to now. Normally, I'd take this time to hope that we could still be friends, but I've pretty much ruled that out. I guess I can hope that in the future we can be friends, perhaps when she isn't so great or when I'm in a committed relationship that will make the pleasantness seem less important.

It sucks, but I think the best I can say, for right now, is that I hope we go our own ways on pleasant terms. I hope one or the other of us randomly connects back up, just to see how our lives are proceeding. I hope we remain facebook friends, so we can do that the easy way. I hope (also pretty selfishly) that she is at least somewhat as sad about all of this as I am. And, as much as it would suck for me, I hope that she remains as wonderful in the future as I think she is right now.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Give the Princess a New Name!

Hey everybody, as you may have noticed, I haven't been doing a lot of posting to this blog anymore. This is partially because I feel constantly stressed and busy, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just don't think it's who I am anymore.

So I have a quest for everyone. I'm looking for good blog names that might describe my new chapter in life. I want a name that could be funny, but definitely needs to be quirky. I need a name that can be just as ironic as this one, but is maybe pointed in a different direction.

Basically, I've gotten tired of talking about the many ways you can get babes, because I just haven't been doing a lot of focusing on the topic recently. Also, because I think it may be time to finish making those jokes. I think everyone has just moved on a little bit. The majority of my friends are married now. I don't want to be the one left holding the ball, laughing about sex and the single guy. I'm willing to be the one holding the ball AS the single guy, but that's a different topic.

I guess I don't really know what I want to talk about. Odds are, most of it wouldn't really change. I'm sure there would be days in which I'll be really tired and depressed and write long-winded soliloquies about how I'll always be alone and how Octobers will always make me sad. And I'll probably also write at least some jokes about sex and my apparent missing out on all the stuff everyone else seems to be doing. Plus, I'm sure I'll want to spend some time on the craziness that is law school.

But, with all of that considered, what should my focus be? What is the one shining topic that all other topics can cling to?

This is my question for everyone.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

close the door and pray to your father

Alright, I've been looking for this for a little while and have now found it. I'm now copying it here so that I don't forget it.

Matthew 6:1-8

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the
truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your
room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father,
who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not
keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their
many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

I totally appreciate this sentiment. There are few people I find more irritating than those who do everything in their power to one up another with "holy"ness. Being proud of being holy is a great way to make me want to punch a person in the face.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Cedar Rapids and (?) Lincoln Park

Hello, everyone. I haven't got much to say tonight. I'm just writing to give an adoring shout-out to my fans in Cedar Rapids, IA and Lincoln Park, MI.

For those of you who don't know, Cedar Rapids is the home of many noteworthy star actors, including Elijah Wood and Ron Livingston. Lincoln Park is the home of... the name of a band that was, at one time, cool? I'm not really sure.

Anyway, kudos to you, my star recent readers. Also, I will be quiting this post forever, starting now....

Nah!! Just kidding! I know all 3 of you would miss me forever if I left now, especially all you people who only randomly find my site after searching google for "Cliff Yanblonski" hating me. I love you, likely, horrible people as well.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Christian Privity, Sucka'

So I've been spending several hours trying to come up with a joke about horizontal and vertical privity that does not include a reference to the Aristocrats or outhouses, but it's pretty difficult.

Instead, let's follow-up my earlier rant about "Christian" Christians in connection with the idea.

Horizontal privity means the relationship between two people on essentially an equal footing. So if two NCAA basketball teams are playing against one another, they are agreeing that at the end of the game one of them will be the winner and the other the loser. That is a horizontal relationship.

Vertical privity would exist between each of the teams and the NCAA commission which administers the rules and is in charge of both teams.

So now consider that viral message I was talking about. The Christian (Gabe) was sending to the Friend (Steve) a message about how awesome Sweet Jesus Jones is. Gabe thinks he's figured out what Jesus Jones wants and thinks is awesome. He's pretty sure he's got his vertical privity relationship figured out.

At this point, Gabe tries to tell Steve about STEVE'S vertical relationship w/ Jesus Jones. However, Gabe does not have privity to that relationship. All that Gabe has in relation to Steve is horizontal privity with him. He cannot know exactly how Steve's vertical privity w/ Jesus Jones works, because he is a jive turkey and human (and also a honkey).

So Steve is being told the wrong thing. He is being told that if he rejects Gabe's horizontal privity, he will be rejecting his own, totally unrelated, vertical privity w/ Sweet Jesus Jones, which is just a bunch of sucker trash.

So my recommendation for all you folk out there is to tell the Gabes of the world to suck it. Then, you know he ain't gonna lay no more big rap up on you, man.

Sides, jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow.

Jesus Jones v. Lucifer Williams. This Sunday, sunday, sunday!

Hey everybody! It's time for yet another edition of Dumb Quotes from the internet. I've considered labeling this "DQFTI," but worried that people would think it was some kind of ice cream reference.

Today we have the following Jesus fwd type quote. I really hate these, because I find very little more repulsive than forcing people to spam others by appealing to their religious nature. Also, they tend to be remarkably ill informed. Let's get to it.

The Greatest Man in History Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb,yet He lives today.
I feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us!
If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son . Write this on 10 peoples walls or just ignore but remember that Jesus said ... "If you deny me before man, I will deny youbefore my Father in Heaven

First off, I'm not sure how much I'd agree w/ "greatest man in history," but I'm sure that's just a matter of opinion. As such, I'll leave it alone. The problem I have is that this title was capitalized. What, grammatically speaking, does this mean? Are Jesus's initials GMITJ? Is that his official title? Greatest Man in History Jesus? Sounds vaguely like a basketball player. Or a WWE wrestler.

Greatest Man in History Jesus Jones! Coming to you live, from Renne Arena!!!! Watch him take down the Great Impaler, Red, Red, Lucifer Williams!!!

Seriously, though, I personally think Jesus would be irritated in being called the greatest man in history (especially in being given such a title), because that was exactly the opposite of his point. He was a normal man with normal failings. He had a great burden to bear and carried a message of hope, but he remained an ordinary man.

"he had no servants" also has to be wrong. Hell, someone brought his group wine at the last supper. That person was.... A SERVANT. Beyond all that, "master" and "teacher" were pretty interchangeable at the time. I'd be hesitant about reading too much into it.

"He had no degree." I'm almost entirely certain this is wrong too. Now, I don't imagine that Jesus went to University, partially because none were exactly handy, but the fact of the matter is that he'd risen pretty high in the ranks of the Jewish priest-type hierarchy. I'd guess he was a fairly well versed individual for the time and could probably hold his own among modern day theologians. Further, as I understand it, people in his position at the time were often called teacher.

I'm granting the "he had no medicines, yet they called him Healer," because, as long as we're going with the same source (i.e. the bible), a pretty big tenant of his being the Messiah was his being able to bring people back from the dead (also, leprosy).

"He had no armies, yet kings feared him" shouldn't count, in my opinion. Herrod didn't like threats to his power. It isn't like Herrod feared Jesus specifically. He just didn't like the idea of a Messiah trying to change the current regime. Plus, Jesus was a baby. Anyone who is scared of a baby is dumb.

"He conquered the world." Eh. Last I checked, there were a remarkable number of people and religions that do not follow Christ. Like Islam. The Hindus. Taoists. Shintoists. Native American spirit people. Oh, and Jews. I'm pretty sure that accounts for at least 2 of the 5 billion people in the world and one HECK of the land mass. Also, I think I'd be way more willing to give Rome, Constantine, and Paul more credit than Jesus, in terms of simple number of converts.

"He committed no crime." Really? Rome found him guilty of a crime. So did the Jewish leaders of the area. I'm pretty sure that we, as Americans who believe in the rule of law, ought to consider that enough. Sure, sometimes its possible for people who are innocent of crimes to be found guilty and killed (like what happens in America), but we should try to be consistent on this front.

"yet he lives today." Uh. I guess this is accurate, as long as you are REALLY willing to stretch the meaning of the word "lives."

"Leader" should not be capitalized. I won't even make a joke out of it. It's just stupidity based upon the mistaken belief that over-capitalization makes you sound more holy.

The last line is REALLY poor grammar, so let's fix that, before proceeding.

If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, His Son, write this on 10 people's walls or just ignore it, but remember that Jesus said, "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven."

There, now we've fixed the grammar problems. Time to fix the idiot problems.

Who is really being denied in this post? Is a person denying Jesus if he elects not to spam at least ten people with incorrect and poorly understood drivel? I think not.

Here's what I think. I think a lot of people have a really high opinion of themselves and their own ability to understand God. Some might call it pride. I call it stupidity. So they write their uninformed messages like the one above and send them out to everyone they know, because they want to show everybody how remarkably holy they are compared to all of their heath friends (pride... pride... pride... pride). The friends, then, have to make a really difficult decision. Do I forward this idiocy to keep my soul clean, or do I reject God?

The thing is, the decision really isn't anywhere near that hard. The real decision is whether to reject a person's interpretation of God that was faulty from the moment this person decided that God wanted his message sent by viral email.