Being a better person

I really enjoyed writing that last post, and I just watched Scrubs, which invariably puts me in an introspective mood, so I thought maybe I'd write another post. This isn't to say that I'll write ever again, but just one more can't hurt.

Often in my life I make major pronouncements. Such and such will never happen again. After today, it's all going to be different. I'm nervous, because I'm about to turn over a new leaf in my life.

Yet for all that I say those things, I almost never mean them. Not really. Oh, I mean them at the time, but 12 hours later, or, at maximum, a week later, I turn back into my regular old self.

I think that's why I was so proud the first time I finished writing a book. It took well over a year. The first fifteen pages alone took over six months. Yet somehow I managed to stick through everything else and finish the damned thing. It sucked, and I'm now going back and changing it so much that, except for a few surface details, it really can't be called the same story. Nevertheless, it was something I finished, and I was proud of that.

I sometimes wonder if it's really possible for any person to to really change much beyond their set point. Recovering alcoholics still exhibit alcoholic behaviors, even if those behaviors are channeled into less self-destructive areas. Those suffering from depression must forever deal with the possibility of falling back into their depressed states. The meticulous have a hard time letting going, and the relaxed have a difficult time attending to detail.

Every time I say it, it sounds corny, but it's simply impossible to escape the fact that I am who I am. I don't attend well to detail. I forget names easily and dates frequently. I have a hard time falling through on almost anything and may never have experienced or enjoyed experiencing routine in my entire life. I tend to stay up late for no reason and simply don't understand the tendency of people to arrive on early.

All of these are traits I really wish I didn't have. They have caused me no end of pain, making me difficult to work with, difficult to deal with, and and have probably put a large strain on quite a few of my friendships.

And every time I come to this realization, I think, "Tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall change. Tomorrow I will be a better man. Tomorrow I will finally become the man I wish I was."

And, of course, tomorrow rolls along, and I'm not that man. I don't do yoga, or go jogging, or suddenly start studying for 8 hours at a go. I don't niggle at a problem until I've solved it. I don't wake up at 7AM and get straight to work after doing 20 pushups. Usually, when tomorrow rolls around, I'm the same guy then as I was yesterday and the day before that.

I love to start things. I love to get really excited about them and get others really excited about them. I love to write. I love to think and see beautiful things. I love my words to sound poetic or funny in such a natural way that you don't even realize you've read something interesting after the fact. I love imaginary rules that work, like the rule of three.

I could start something new every day, really get the ball rolling, hand it off to somebody, and then never think about it again, except in an "I wonder what ever happened to that?" kind of way.

As far as I can tell, my natural way of being makes me pretty useless to practically every industry in the world. And so, everyday, I get to wake up and struggle with myself to be a better person. Total suck, there.