Mediocrity

I don't know if you can tell, but we seem to be at that part of the year in which I start feeling really exhausted and depressed all the time. This is a fairly typical phase for me and eventually goes away as finals get closer.

Douglas Adams once defined the Long, Dark, Tea Time of the Soul as the time on sunday afternoon, after you've gone to church, finished lunch, taken all the baths a reasonable person could take, and have nothing to do before getting ready for work.

The early weeks of November seem to fit that bill. But that isn't why I'm writing today.

Today I continue to persist in my doldrums. Most days like this I ask myself that one, really ugly question. Why am I so lonely now?

Pretty much, I have a different answer to that question every time. Today's answer is what I'd like to write about.

Sometimes I feel extraordinarily mediocre. I feel like I'm that kind of guy who is pretty good at a lot of things, but who has never actually excelled in any facet of my life. I'm good at racquetball, at german, at english, at psychology, at research, at research methods, at playing the baritone, at writing, at thinking thoughtful thoughts, at making friends, at dancing, at being social, at smiling, at cracking a joke, at...

I'm hoping you get the picture. I've tried my hand at many things, and I've done pretty good at all of them. The thing is, I've never excelled in any of them. I'm not fluent in german. I only got a masters in psychology. None of my writing has ever been published. I can make friends, but I'm not actually a social guy. I'm in that group of people who dances well "for a white guy." My jokes tend to crack a few grins, but certainly leave a crowd wanting.

And so I sit, languishing in mediocrity, taking vacations with the world and never committing myself to it.

That's my answer, today. The reason I'm depressed (in the not actually clinically depressed way) and alone today is, I've decided, because there is not a single thing about me that people can point to and say, "That! That is what Nathan is good at."

Instead, the world need only look at the resume that is my life and say, "Wow. What a remarkably immature fellow, who thinks he can talk so big."

I take that back. One thing I am good at is writing titles. Like, really good at it. I destroy at title writing.

What a talent...