Examining a bush

The following story is told in the 3rd person limited-omniscent, because it seems most likely to be funniest that way. Also, most of it is made up, but some parts are vaguely true.... Oh, and if you don't think it's funny, you can go suck it. It turns out I'm not that good at telling jokes in the third person. Now piss off. Or, uh, maybe just read this story.


Pete didn't know exactly what caused it, but he knew that it was real. Perhaps it was the chill night air of the Plaza. Maybe it had been that 6th drink. Or, he supposed, it could have been the creepy chick with the vibrator who kept trying to dance with him.

Regardless, he had to piss like a race horse. It was perhaps 20 minutes to Joel's house, but 20 minutes can seem like an eternity when you think you might explode from every direction at once. Plus, that would show those arrogant Plaza bastards! Let's see how much pride they have in their Gap with newly tinted yellow windows.

Joel didn't think it was a good idea, Lacey wasn't saying anything, and Felix was too far behind to provide any reasoning.

"C'mon, man. This is NOT the place for that kind of thing," Joel said, only slightly slurred.

"No! No, I'm gonna do it! I'll just aim at this bush here." Pete gestured to the potted plant in the middle of the well traveled sidewalk.

"Suit yourself," Joel said, knowing that sometimes arguments stop working, "but isn't that a potted plant?"

Pete did not hear him, so he climbed into the passenger seat of his car, and Lacey climbed into the driver's seat. Ordinarily, Pete would have been very grateful for Lacey, but he had other things on his mind.

After a moment of careful adjustment, Pete relaxed, sighed contentedly, and began to whistle. At that moment, two very different creatures came around the corners of the block.

Felix was at the south corner. As far as he could tell, Pete seemed to be looking at him funny. Felix looked down at his shirt, worried that some drink had been spilled on him again, but he didn't see anything.

Around the north corner came a white SUV. Pete thought it was a taxi. Taxis have those lights on top like that, right? Pete thought to himself.

Yes, said the omniscent narrator. A taxi is one example of a car with lights on the top....

"Pete!" Joel screamed under his breath, interrupting the narrator. "Get in the freaking car!"

Felix, not noticing any of this, was still uncertain why Pete was giving him such a strange grin. "Um. Heya, Pete," he said. Sadly, his call was to go unrewarded.

Felix watched as Pete performed a strange sort of shuffly, jumpy, shoulder-shrugging maneuver behind the bush. Isn't that a potted plant? thought Felix. Then, without saying a word, Pete turned around.

At that moment, Felix noticed the SUV that looked a little like a taxi, but mostly looked like a security guard.

Oh.

Pete began to skip north, the direction away from where the SUV was heading. Felix, deciding that tonight was not the night to get involved in these things, hopped in the back seat of Joel's car.

The SUV pulled a U-ee.

6 seconds later, so did Pete, who started to walk/run faster. 5 seconds after that, the SUV pulled another one. "Like tennis," said Felix, under his breath.

This time, however, Pete decided he was caught. The SUV pulled up next to him as he slowed down. "Oh sh*t," said Joel.

Well, luckily for us all, Pete didn't get a ticket or go to prison. Turns out the SUV was more rent-a-cop than cop, and the man in the SUV just suggested that he get a taxi ASAP. Pete explained that he was just looking at a bush. The "cop" paused, then said, "Wait, isn't that a potted plant?"

Needless to say, when the conversation ended, Pete agreed to get a taxi as soon as possible, then, when Mr. SUV drove away, he hopped in the back seat of Joel's car.

As the four friends drove away, the adventure was replayed many times in word and thought, and everyone felt pretty much like a hero. About 20 minutes later, the four ended up at the drive-thru at McDonalds.

Pete hopped out of the car. "I have to piss again," he said.

"Dammit," thought Joel and Felix, simultaneously. "Where are you gonna go now?" asked Felix.

"Behind that bush," said Pete, who hurried away after indicating the well lighted shrub in the middle of the McDonald's parking lot.

Felix and Lacey shared a glance. Bush? they were thinking. Isn't that a potted plant?

Around the corner, a vehicle that could be confused with a taxi revved its engines.

The End