I'm the brother. That's my role. That's how pretty much all women see me.
The enclosed text is part of an email I wrote earlier, expressing my late-night sleepy feelings about an important subject: me.
So it's pretty late. When it's late, I tend to get in a reflective mood. Tonight (this morning) I would like to express my irritation that my buddy pete is a really, really nice guy with not a lot of self-esteem who also happens to be a very attractive fellow.
Now, the problem I have with this is that he's essentially got exactly the same bar resume as me. He's the "nice guy who every likes at the end of the night." And I'm very happy for him about this. It's just that I ALSO am the nice guy who everyone likes at the end of the night.
Except I am an awful lot rounder and less attractive than Pete.
Ordinarily I would resolve this issue by, of course, beating pete up, using my giant muscles and stuff, but I just wouldn't feel right about that. Pete is a good guy. He does not deserve to be beat up.
(Also, I'm actually a very nervous person who is as afraid of hitting people as of being hit!)
And I guess that's it. That's my rant. It may not be my best, because I only added one or two jokes at most, but what're you gonna do at this time of night?
The best question a person can ask one's self when faced with a situation like this is, "What are you going to do about it?"
And, I suppose for once, I have an answer for that. I'm going to have to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm tired of being the friend, the buddy, the surrogate brother, the nice guy with the keys, and all of those other things that make me uniquely myself and sad and alone at 5am. I'm going to have to stick to this diet. I going to have to lose this weight. Then I'm going to have to get mildly muscley.
And then, maybe, I'll get somewhere.
You know, a few weeks ago when I told you I was going on this diet, you asked me why, then decided it was so I could be a healthier person with less risk of heart disease and other things like that, but in all honesty that isn't the case.
I have great genes. I am the son of generations and generations of overweight people who lived til they were 80 and 90. I'm losing this weight because I don't want to be the third wheel, the driver, the cabbie, the odd man out, or any of those other words that mean the guy who sits alone at the bar.
p.s. speaking of which, my next entry will be a story about the talented Pistol Pete. I anticipate that it should be very adventure-some
p.s. speaking of which, my next entry will be a story about the talented Pistol Pete. I anticipate that it should be very adventure-some
7 comments:
A wise thought I got from Kristi once was: girls can initially not be attracted to a guy but as they get to know him, he gets better looking; but with guys it's either all or none--if they're not initially into a girl, they probably never will be, girls can't do anything to make a guy fall for her.
So Nathan, maybe the problem for you is not your body, but your eyes. If you could be content with someone who is "just" normal looking, maybe you could get out of the role of a brother.
Erin
You have no idea how much that whole ... deal ... bothered me too. It was a weird situation to be in the middle of.
I've been meaning to write about it too because I want to properly flush out my thoughts on the issue. It says a lot about who all the people invloved are -- or rather what they are seen as. I don't think anyone involved is a piece of crap or anything. Not at all.
The whole thing frustrated me because while I can't deny having better luck in the dating world than you, I feel like I've suffered at least some of the same failures and lived through at least some of the same frustrations.
None of this is to say I'm not happy with my situation, because I am. It's to say its aggrivating seeing it all happen and knowing just how powerless guys like us are to stop it.
One thing about you, I will say you don't "settle" like Erin suggested. Is that good? I don't know. It's noteworthy though.
Also, I sort of don't agree with a lot of what Erin said. I think a lot of that kind of reasoning is excuses we make up to justify dating problems we're having. I'm as guilty as anyone else when it comes to inventing explanations like that, honestly, but I can't say I've ever really bought into them, even when they explain bad luck with a girl or a bad night at the bars. I don't think all guys judge girls right away and I don't think all girls can be won over in time. That said, first impressions are very important, of course.
I don't know. I'll continue this discussion on an other site later.
Um. Well, I thought I'd put out a reply to this, but it's a bit tricky.
Let me start by saying that, Erin, your first and second paragraphs don't match. In theory, your first paragraph is saying that I could get anyone, because women may be more likely to find me more attractive as they get to know me. But then your second paragraph suggests that I should behave like women are guys and assume that I have to settle, because women won't change for me.
You must imagine my perplexity.
Anyway, Joel is correct. I have never settled. If I've been interested in a girl, dated one, performed S&M with one, etc. etc., it was because she was, as we all seem to agree, beautiful in my eyes.
Allow me to post anonymously the email of another...
I'm glad you decided to make some changes that you think may be helpful instead of getting sad and depressed (which is what I tend to do-as I'm eating my 2nd sandwich and drinking coke-NOT ALLOWED IN MY CURRENT DIET!). It probably would be good to start showing girls that you like them instead of being the big brother/buddy type guy (as long as you stay my buddy). I have had many guy friends like that (most of my best guy friends have that type of personality but it doesn't affect me cause I am on the inside-family circle) and I always tell them to start showing what they really feel and think. Doing that reflects confidence and that's what people are attracted to I guess.
Sorry, just thought I'd insert that. It's mostly unrelated to my own thoughts, but I figured everyone should be heard on the topic, if they happen to have an opinion.
Um, so where was I? First, I need it to be understood that this whole problem has been far more extensive than a 4 day issue. It's been the story of my life up to this point, it feels like. Certainly, I've had a bit of luck on isolated occasions, but overall my numbers aren't great. And, really, I think it has to do with more than my simple physical make-up. Being overweight doesn't stop everyone. Being unkempt and bearded has actually been a boon to a few.
I think our anonymous poster may be correct. Social circles are created by confidence, arrogance, belief, and a degree of disregard. A certain physical look may be the gateway to those personality characteristics, but said look isn't the whole package. Think of the beautiful people in high school for example. How many of them were ACTUALLY attractive? And how many attractive people were not considered beautiful people? There is a reason for all that.
My theory is that the Pete's of the world are actually like me. They are not arrogant. They do not disregard other people. We all probably share a similar degree of confidence. The only difference is that people in bars have come to assume that individuals who LOOK like Pete and his similars are actually in the popular crowd. For a night, it is easy to keep up this facade.
And, really, shouldn't one night be enough? How do nervous men end up with "beautiful" women? They pull the bait and switch. They demonstrate a person they are not and then it's too late. A psychological commitment has been made. In the end it may work and it may not, but it has at least been given a chance.
As such, I stand by my desire to lose my weight and get a bit more muscular. If it works, neat. If not, well, I'll just have to try something else.
One other thing.
Joel, as you may have guessed, all of this could not help my current predicament. In that regard I am stuck and have no answer. As painful and idiotic as it must seem to you, though, I remain optimistic. It may take a month. It may take 3 years. It may take 40. I may have moved on time and again. I may get married. I may get divorced. But through all of that, in the back of my head, there will be a quiet, little man, waiting.
You don't need to justify to me. I understand.
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