Happy New Years everyone! For the first time in what seems to be 100 years, it looks like I'll be home for new years, rather than partying it up in wichita, new york, kc, lawrence, or anywhere else.
On that note, I wish you all a happy new year.
Let's see what we can do with 2006. I don't know about anyone else, but I have pretty high hopes.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
Anyway....
Sorry for that last little post, everybody. Sometimes I accidentally get serious when I'm supposed to be either thoughtful or funny or at least moderately dirty and naughty.
To clear the air a little bit, let me tell you about how I once seduced Kay using nothing but a jar of beeswax and a roll of scotch tape...
Um. Actually, maybe we better not tell that one. If word got out, I could be wanted in seven states. Not to mention the great island of Haiti!
To clear the air a little bit, let me tell you about how I once seduced Kay using nothing but a jar of beeswax and a roll of scotch tape...
Um. Actually, maybe we better not tell that one. If word got out, I could be wanted in seven states. Not to mention the great island of Haiti!
Missionary!
"South Park" parked by complaints by Sarah Hall
Did Comedy Central grant the Catholic League its Christmas wish?
Following the Dec. 7 season finale of South Park, titled "Bloody Mary," the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights slammed the network for its irreverent portrayal of church icons and sought to block the episode from being rebroadcast.
It appears the group may have met with success. A repeat of the finale was scheduled to air Wednesday night, but was pulled from the Comedy Central lineup without explanation.
In the episode, a statue of the Virgin Mary is believed to be bleeding from its rear end, inspiring faithful parishioners to flock from miles around to be healed by the miraculous blood.
Eventually,
Pope Benedict XVI is called in to investigate, whereupon he determines that the statue is actually menstruating and thus is nothing special.
"A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle," the pope declares in the episode. "Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."
Somewhat predictably, the Catholic League was incensed by the satirical portrayal of the Virgin Mary and the pope and by the fact that the episode aired on the day before the Catholic Church celebrated its Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
The conservative group demanded an apology from Viacom, Comedy Central's parent company, to Roman Catholics everywhere and "a pledge that this episode be permanently retired and not be made available on DVD."
The Catholic League also sought a personal condemnation from Viacom board member Joseph A. Califano Jr., who the group noted is a "practicing Catholic."
Califano was only too happy to oblige. After viewing the episode, he released a statement calling the episode an "appalling and disgusting portrayal of the Virgin Mary."
"It is particularly troubling to me as a Roman Catholic that the segment has run on the eve and day of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day for Roman Catholics," Califano said.
Califano also pledged to have Viacom president and CEO Tom Freston review the episode.
Comedy Central did not respond to a request for comment on why "Bloody Mary" was yanked from the schedule.
Screencaps of the episode were no longer available on Comedy Central's press site or on comedycentral.com's South Park section.
The Catholic League previously tangled with Comedy Central in 2002 over a South Park episode titled "Red Hot Catholic Love," but failed to produce any results.
end article
Ok. Now seriously folks. I haven't seen this episode, so I can't be certain, but from the little quote above it certainly sounds like the list of people who are being made fun of here does not include the virgin mary. It sounds like the joke is on holier than thou missionaries (I said missionary!) who subjectively determine what is and is not miraculous.
As I said, I'll have to get back to you on this one, but for now I'm going to re-express my irritation with the Catholic League. As far as I can tell, these are angry, mean people who act like catholicism is in some sort of minority status, when it is, in fact, the largest or second largest religion on the face of the earth.
Did Comedy Central grant the Catholic League its Christmas wish?
Following the Dec. 7 season finale of South Park, titled "Bloody Mary," the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights slammed the network for its irreverent portrayal of church icons and sought to block the episode from being rebroadcast.
It appears the group may have met with success. A repeat of the finale was scheduled to air Wednesday night, but was pulled from the Comedy Central lineup without explanation.
In the episode, a statue of the Virgin Mary is believed to be bleeding from its rear end, inspiring faithful parishioners to flock from miles around to be healed by the miraculous blood.
Eventually,
Pope Benedict XVI is called in to investigate, whereupon he determines that the statue is actually menstruating and thus is nothing special.
"A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle," the pope declares in the episode. "Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."
Somewhat predictably, the Catholic League was incensed by the satirical portrayal of the Virgin Mary and the pope and by the fact that the episode aired on the day before the Catholic Church celebrated its Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
The conservative group demanded an apology from Viacom, Comedy Central's parent company, to Roman Catholics everywhere and "a pledge that this episode be permanently retired and not be made available on DVD."
The Catholic League also sought a personal condemnation from Viacom board member Joseph A. Califano Jr., who the group noted is a "practicing Catholic."
Califano was only too happy to oblige. After viewing the episode, he released a statement calling the episode an "appalling and disgusting portrayal of the Virgin Mary."
"It is particularly troubling to me as a Roman Catholic that the segment has run on the eve and day of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day for Roman Catholics," Califano said.
Califano also pledged to have Viacom president and CEO Tom Freston review the episode.
Comedy Central did not respond to a request for comment on why "Bloody Mary" was yanked from the schedule.
Screencaps of the episode were no longer available on Comedy Central's press site or on comedycentral.com's South Park section.
The Catholic League previously tangled with Comedy Central in 2002 over a South Park episode titled "Red Hot Catholic Love," but failed to produce any results.
end article
Ok. Now seriously folks. I haven't seen this episode, so I can't be certain, but from the little quote above it certainly sounds like the list of people who are being made fun of here does not include the virgin mary. It sounds like the joke is on holier than thou missionaries (I said missionary!) who subjectively determine what is and is not miraculous.
As I said, I'll have to get back to you on this one, but for now I'm going to re-express my irritation with the Catholic League. As far as I can tell, these are angry, mean people who act like catholicism is in some sort of minority status, when it is, in fact, the largest or second largest religion on the face of the earth.
Foot in Mouth disease?
So I want to write about my evening, but I'm afraid of putting my foot so far down my own throat that it'll end up being able to act like my foot again.
Follow? I have an awesome mental image of this.
Anyway, I went to Lawrence, saw the KU - New Orleans game, went to Henry T's, and saw the woman who a person in my fraternity once dubbed the Bosnian Babe.
It's a funny name. I choose to use it to protect the names of the innocent. I also have a friend named Rob. He is not innocent. Hence, I openly use his name.
Now about a year and a half ago some bad things went down, and it seems that time has finally erased all of the unpleasantness from that period of my life. Me and time go way back with that kind of thing. You have no idea how many times I've decided that I had to say SOMETHING RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'LL NEVER SAY ANYTHING AND THEN I'LL ALWAYS REGRET IT!!!
Oddly, that statement, though often detrimental, still remains true. Though what I wish would happen never does when I do the "saying of something" and some pretty good friendships end for approximately ever, the ones that don't end eventually get stronger, because I don't have THAT thought hanging over my head like a sword on a string (can you identify the Arabian night tale that simile comes from?).
Anyway, all of that horribleness happened. I moved on. After many moons, the friendship tentatively was re-established. And I decided that was it. I did not want to go through that again.
And after tonight I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to. I'm pretty sure I can keep it civil this time around. The crush that existed then has lessened now. I say "lessened," because these kinds of things never really vanish, do they? I mean, there is a reason for them. It's not like that reason changes. The two reasons for this one are still glaringly obvious. Conversation is easy and curly blonde hair.
I am a simple, sad little man. Ask Kay.
Anyway, since that time I discovered that conversation was easy with a lot of women I know/knew/just met/etc. Also, in this age of dying, curly blonde hair isn't that uncommon. Plus, since that time a crucial factor also came into being. I got another crush. That was a short lived crush, but it made the distancing even easier.
So today was the first physical and visual contact in two and a half years, and I think I passed with flying colors. My passions weren't aroused. My deep need for affection did not take flight. I actually checked out another girl in mid-conversation. In general, I'd say I did very well.
The only thing that concerns me is that my mind got all lyrical as I replayed the event in my head later, when the phrase "like a beam of sunlight" appeared as if from the bowels of 2003.
I'm currently writing a story about an unrelated topic. I think I may lay the blame for that thought on my frequent use of simile and metaphor in said story. It's the only explanation I'm willing to accept.
Ok. So that is my thought of the night. Hopefully I managed to keep my foot well away from my mouth.
Oh, and KU won. Rock Chalk!
Follow? I have an awesome mental image of this.
Anyway, I went to Lawrence, saw the KU - New Orleans game, went to Henry T's, and saw the woman who a person in my fraternity once dubbed the Bosnian Babe.
It's a funny name. I choose to use it to protect the names of the innocent. I also have a friend named Rob. He is not innocent. Hence, I openly use his name.
Now about a year and a half ago some bad things went down, and it seems that time has finally erased all of the unpleasantness from that period of my life. Me and time go way back with that kind of thing. You have no idea how many times I've decided that I had to say SOMETHING RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'LL NEVER SAY ANYTHING AND THEN I'LL ALWAYS REGRET IT!!!
Oddly, that statement, though often detrimental, still remains true. Though what I wish would happen never does when I do the "saying of something" and some pretty good friendships end for approximately ever, the ones that don't end eventually get stronger, because I don't have THAT thought hanging over my head like a sword on a string (can you identify the Arabian night tale that simile comes from?).
Anyway, all of that horribleness happened. I moved on. After many moons, the friendship tentatively was re-established. And I decided that was it. I did not want to go through that again.
And after tonight I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to. I'm pretty sure I can keep it civil this time around. The crush that existed then has lessened now. I say "lessened," because these kinds of things never really vanish, do they? I mean, there is a reason for them. It's not like that reason changes. The two reasons for this one are still glaringly obvious. Conversation is easy and curly blonde hair.
I am a simple, sad little man. Ask Kay.
Anyway, since that time I discovered that conversation was easy with a lot of women I know/knew/just met/etc. Also, in this age of dying, curly blonde hair isn't that uncommon. Plus, since that time a crucial factor also came into being. I got another crush. That was a short lived crush, but it made the distancing even easier.
So today was the first physical and visual contact in two and a half years, and I think I passed with flying colors. My passions weren't aroused. My deep need for affection did not take flight. I actually checked out another girl in mid-conversation. In general, I'd say I did very well.
The only thing that concerns me is that my mind got all lyrical as I replayed the event in my head later, when the phrase "like a beam of sunlight" appeared as if from the bowels of 2003.
I'm currently writing a story about an unrelated topic. I think I may lay the blame for that thought on my frequent use of simile and metaphor in said story. It's the only explanation I'm willing to accept.
Ok. So that is my thought of the night. Hopefully I managed to keep my foot well away from my mouth.
Oh, and KU won. Rock Chalk!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
"only you"
Alright, so a really smashing song that I've recently been introduced to is "Only You" by either Yaz or Yazoo. Check it out sometime. Really amazing.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
A private dancer, a dancer for money
I just realized I haven't talked about getting babes in a few days and now deem it necessary to rectify that issue. Specifically, I would like to talk about exotic dancers.
Now a lot of times in the past few weeks people have asked me, "Nathan, how can I got about getting a date with a stripper without even trying?"
After giving these individuals a hearty bitch-slap and explaining that the word is "exotic dancer" I give some very helpful advice. "Bring at least $2,000 to the club she is working at," I say.
This is a sign you are powerful and wealthy.
"Develop a scar on your lip that you can make a joke about, then explain it really came from falling off your bicycle when you were ten."
This establishes vulnerability.
"Then, using the Republican Guard you hired off the streets who are fiercely loyal to you and your military regime, threaten to burn down the bar and kill her entire family if she does not go out with you on a date sometime." It helps at this point to have total control of the local and federal government.
This is the more simple solution, and the one I personally recommend. The alternative is already having a girlfriend and then finding out she is a stripper, or pushing your current girlfriend into becoming one. Both of these are luck of the draw suggestions though. You'll never know if they are going to work. Also, sometimes the second suggestion backfires.
"Honey, I love you," she says.
"And I love you," you reply. "You are so beautiful. In fact, you are so beautiful, I think you should become a stripper, or exotic dancer."
I know this sounds crazy, but some women respond negatively to this statement. Even after you try to explain that you don't think she should be a whore or anything. I blame it on society, which is even more reason to go with my suggestion. What better way to change society than to control the local and federal government with a dictatorial regime? I'm telling you. It's a guarantee.
On the other hand, you could just give up the notion of dating an exotic dancer, but that is your prerogative.
Now a lot of times in the past few weeks people have asked me, "Nathan, how can I got about getting a date with a stripper without even trying?"
After giving these individuals a hearty bitch-slap and explaining that the word is "exotic dancer" I give some very helpful advice. "Bring at least $2,000 to the club she is working at," I say.
This is a sign you are powerful and wealthy.
"Develop a scar on your lip that you can make a joke about, then explain it really came from falling off your bicycle when you were ten."
This establishes vulnerability.
"Then, using the Republican Guard you hired off the streets who are fiercely loyal to you and your military regime, threaten to burn down the bar and kill her entire family if she does not go out with you on a date sometime." It helps at this point to have total control of the local and federal government.
This is the more simple solution, and the one I personally recommend. The alternative is already having a girlfriend and then finding out she is a stripper, or pushing your current girlfriend into becoming one. Both of these are luck of the draw suggestions though. You'll never know if they are going to work. Also, sometimes the second suggestion backfires.
"Honey, I love you," she says.
"And I love you," you reply. "You are so beautiful. In fact, you are so beautiful, I think you should become a stripper, or exotic dancer."
I know this sounds crazy, but some women respond negatively to this statement. Even after you try to explain that you don't think she should be a whore or anything. I blame it on society, which is even more reason to go with my suggestion. What better way to change society than to control the local and federal government with a dictatorial regime? I'm telling you. It's a guarantee.
On the other hand, you could just give up the notion of dating an exotic dancer, but that is your prerogative.
Narnia
So I saw Narnia tonight and had a couple reactions. First, to be fair, there were some good bits. I pretty much enjoyed everything up to and including the icey river scene. Excellent tension and build up.
However, from that point on I was pretty disappointed. Wait. Wrong word. From that point on my suspicions were confirmed. It seemed to constantly shift back and forth from a wannabe peter jackson movie to a wannabe nickelodean kids movie. And, every time the movie made this bizarre shift, I was thrown right out of the action. Now, it takes an awful lot to stop me from suspending disbelief, so this is really bad news.
Also, I gotta say, just like in the book, the christian element was a bit overly obvious and predictable. I don't mind a bit of christian allegory. It was peppered throughout Lord of the Rings. I just don't like it when the allegory is hitting me over the head like a brick. I mean, aside from being generally irritating, it is the ultimate writing faux pas, called deus ex machina by those in the know.
So those are my thoughts. I have to admit to a bit of bias in this situation, being somewhat of a humanist, but not much can be done about that.
One other thing. My 23 month old niece farted during a quiet scene in the movie, then exclaimed quite proudly, "I farted!"
She may hate me for writing that one day. I'm sure I won't care, though.
However, from that point on I was pretty disappointed. Wait. Wrong word. From that point on my suspicions were confirmed. It seemed to constantly shift back and forth from a wannabe peter jackson movie to a wannabe nickelodean kids movie. And, every time the movie made this bizarre shift, I was thrown right out of the action. Now, it takes an awful lot to stop me from suspending disbelief, so this is really bad news.
Also, I gotta say, just like in the book, the christian element was a bit overly obvious and predictable. I don't mind a bit of christian allegory. It was peppered throughout Lord of the Rings. I just don't like it when the allegory is hitting me over the head like a brick. I mean, aside from being generally irritating, it is the ultimate writing faux pas, called deus ex machina by those in the know.
So those are my thoughts. I have to admit to a bit of bias in this situation, being somewhat of a humanist, but not much can be done about that.
One other thing. My 23 month old niece farted during a quiet scene in the movie, then exclaimed quite proudly, "I farted!"
She may hate me for writing that one day. I'm sure I won't care, though.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Best Holiday Wishes
It's been a good night. I personally sent all the kids outside because I was pretty sure I saw Santa. We looked for him, but he must have flown off by the time we got out there.
So we went back in,
and were shocked to behold
Presents and stockings
with a magical load!
A CD, some candy,
a gravity free car,
these were the presents
I saw from afar.
Yet none were for me,
St. Nick had no regard
So I called him some names:
rat-face and bastard.
Then I heard him exclaim,
err he drove out of sight,
"Up yours with a twirl!
And your family's a fright!"
I may have made up that last part.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. It's bedtime for Bonzo.
So we went back in,
and were shocked to behold
Presents and stockings
with a magical load!
A CD, some candy,
a gravity free car,
these were the presents
I saw from afar.
Yet none were for me,
St. Nick had no regard
So I called him some names:
rat-face and bastard.
Then I heard him exclaim,
err he drove out of sight,
"Up yours with a twirl!
And your family's a fright!"
I may have made up that last part.
Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. It's bedtime for Bonzo.
Friday, December 23, 2005
164!
Exciting news, folks. Erin was correct. I did better than my dream. Specifically, I got a 164! This means I have a good shot at Texas and Notre Dame and an outside shot at George Washington and a few of the California schools. Oh, and KU is looking real good.
I will be on exhibit at the museum of natural history today between 4 and 6. You are welcome to look, but must purchase tickets to touch.
I will be on exhibit at the museum of natural history today between 4 and 6. You are welcome to look, but must purchase tickets to touch.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
BEE yourself!
For today's HTGBWET I would like to take this time to discussing "being yourself." Do you know, I've never really understood this. I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm pretty sure there are at least 3 or 4 myselves. There's me when I'm feeling funny. Me when I'm getting a bit serious. Me when I'm off in my own little place, using foreign accents. Me when I'm studying. Me when I'm reading a book. Me when I'm nervous. Me when I'm doing Kay in the reverse cowgirl style.
And I mean, these are all really kinda different people. Certainly, they have items in common, but the real question to ask is "which of these varied people do I put forward when I'm trying to meet new people, particularly women?" In some cases the answer is obvious. For example, when I'm in an interview or giving a presentation I use my presentation face.
So that's my thought of the day. If you are worried, I should let you know that I'm not too worried about this. I'm slowly developing a new persona for meeting people. This one is vaguely related to my "guy who cannot be socially embarrassed" but with subtle differences. For example, this new one is a better dancer.
I'm interested in all of your opinions, but my own is simply that it is a stupid saying that doesn't take into account reality.
And I mean, these are all really kinda different people. Certainly, they have items in common, but the real question to ask is "which of these varied people do I put forward when I'm trying to meet new people, particularly women?" In some cases the answer is obvious. For example, when I'm in an interview or giving a presentation I use my presentation face.
So that's my thought of the day. If you are worried, I should let you know that I'm not too worried about this. I'm slowly developing a new persona for meeting people. This one is vaguely related to my "guy who cannot be socially embarrassed" but with subtle differences. For example, this new one is a better dancer.
I'm interested in all of your opinions, but my own is simply that it is a stupid saying that doesn't take into account reality.
Shakira
Important and relavent update: It has come to my attention that Shakira can do things with her torso that would make a contortionist stand up and clap. I just saw the SNL where she does the Tortura song. Gott im Himmel! That woman can move!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
163
So last night I dreamt that I got a score of 163 on my LSAT. For those of you in the know, my score goal is either 164 or 166. A 163 would never cut it. It was a very frustrating dream, but it seems like it may have had a happy ending. You know, the kind with the asian masseuses?
Nipple scars
Alright, so I have a new plan. I've decided that in 3 years I need to have outstanding abs. I've never done the outstanding ab thing before, so this goal may be a bit difficult to attain, but I have high hopes. Over the past few days, my plan was simple, wake up, roll out of bed, do some ab work. Unfortunately, there are problems with this plan.
Me: AH! Good morning (or possibly afternoon) world! What a great day to be alive! I think I'm gonna roll out of bed now and do some cruches and other things!
(I roll out of bed)
Me: Holy crap! I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom!
(3 hours later, after I've done a whole bunch of other things)
Me: Holy double crap, batman! I forgot to do my ab workout! Oh well, my plan is only to do it when I wake up, so I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
Now, you may see the problem with this intended pattern of mine, but if not, let me explain. It's hard to crunch when you need to piss.
Some have complemented me on my ability to write suave and thoughtful prose. I would like to take this moment to thank them for their kind words.
So now I need a knew plan. I would like to do an ab workout, but I don't want to do it after visiting the bathroom and taking a shower. What do I do? I could do it at night, but is that really the most effective time? I'm tired and lazy at night. Plus, I'm so busy boning hundreds of beautiful brazilian women in the evenings that doing an ab workout afterward seems really unlikely, even if I spent the whole time on the bottom.
I suppose one possibility is bathroom -> ab workout -> shower -> bang 3 chicks all named Cynthia -> breakfast; I'm just worried I'd get too hungry to make it past all 3 Cynthias, and you don't want an angry, unfulfilled Cynthia on your hand. That can be dangerous. How else do you think I got that scar under my right nipple.
Wait. Wrong Nathan. Wrong event. AWESOME story!
Thoughts?
Me: AH! Good morning (or possibly afternoon) world! What a great day to be alive! I think I'm gonna roll out of bed now and do some cruches and other things!
(I roll out of bed)
Me: Holy crap! I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom!
(3 hours later, after I've done a whole bunch of other things)
Me: Holy double crap, batman! I forgot to do my ab workout! Oh well, my plan is only to do it when I wake up, so I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
Now, you may see the problem with this intended pattern of mine, but if not, let me explain. It's hard to crunch when you need to piss.
Some have complemented me on my ability to write suave and thoughtful prose. I would like to take this moment to thank them for their kind words.
So now I need a knew plan. I would like to do an ab workout, but I don't want to do it after visiting the bathroom and taking a shower. What do I do? I could do it at night, but is that really the most effective time? I'm tired and lazy at night. Plus, I'm so busy boning hundreds of beautiful brazilian women in the evenings that doing an ab workout afterward seems really unlikely, even if I spent the whole time on the bottom.
I suppose one possibility is bathroom -> ab workout -> shower -> bang 3 chicks all named Cynthia -> breakfast; I'm just worried I'd get too hungry to make it past all 3 Cynthias, and you don't want an angry, unfulfilled Cynthia on your hand. That can be dangerous. How else do you think I got that scar under my right nipple.
Wait. Wrong Nathan. Wrong event. AWESOME story!
Thoughts?
A Rant
I feel like I need to write something here, but nothing really happened today worth mentioning. As such, I've decided to take this time to explain why guys do certain things at certain points in their lives that they end up regretting for at least a year, but eventually get over, etc. Um. Anyway, this is probably going to be a rant. Be aware of this.
I am speaking, of course, of saying "I love you" at in-opportune times. The explanation for this is really very simple. Men (and by men I mean the vast majority of men who, unlike Dean with his massive pectorals and other body parts, are not players) are stupid. Specifically, we lack the ability to understand social timing. Sometimes this is forgivable, like when you have massive pectorals and other body parts. Other times, it just makes you look like a huge ass who either rushed into things too fast or took way to long to say exactly what you feel, and in the end probably skipped a number of very important steps to get there.
Have I lost anyone yet?
The reason I'm going into this subject is due, directly, from having seen a bit of King of Queens today. Now, I rarely watch that show, so whenever I see it, I instantly think "Hey! That's the chick from Gabriel Knight, the old man from Seinfeld, and the guy from Hitch!" This last one is what popped into my head today.
Hitch is the perfect example of the kind of movie that I both love and hate (also 40 year old virgin). It's that movie that makes everything seem much worse than it actually is, but then gives you a great deal of hope for the future... Possibly involving hot blonde heiresses who will learn to love you for your cute ways and lack of suaveness.
Now I approve of feel good movies like this, but I have to admit that I probably have spent way too much of my life looking to these kinds of movies for pointers on how to deal with real life issues. Ultimately, stories don't work out like they do in these movies.
How do people get together in real life? Simple. Become mild friends, not too close, not too far. Mutual attraction is useful here, but not totally required. Go out to some bar or party and get totally sloshed. It helps if everyone involved is pretty wasted. Wake up in bed together the next day. Get married 3 years later.
Mind you, various parts of this equation can change, but many of the key components must remain in place.
Now let us return to your garden variety guy. The difference between him and someone who is married is that the garden variety male DID NOT FOLLOW the plan I just outlined. Instead, he tried doing things like they do in the movies.
Idiot. Hitch was fictitious.
On the other hand, fictitious is a funny looking word.
I am speaking, of course, of saying "I love you" at in-opportune times. The explanation for this is really very simple. Men (and by men I mean the vast majority of men who, unlike Dean with his massive pectorals and other body parts, are not players) are stupid. Specifically, we lack the ability to understand social timing. Sometimes this is forgivable, like when you have massive pectorals and other body parts. Other times, it just makes you look like a huge ass who either rushed into things too fast or took way to long to say exactly what you feel, and in the end probably skipped a number of very important steps to get there.
Have I lost anyone yet?
The reason I'm going into this subject is due, directly, from having seen a bit of King of Queens today. Now, I rarely watch that show, so whenever I see it, I instantly think "Hey! That's the chick from Gabriel Knight, the old man from Seinfeld, and the guy from Hitch!" This last one is what popped into my head today.
Hitch is the perfect example of the kind of movie that I both love and hate (also 40 year old virgin). It's that movie that makes everything seem much worse than it actually is, but then gives you a great deal of hope for the future... Possibly involving hot blonde heiresses who will learn to love you for your cute ways and lack of suaveness.
Now I approve of feel good movies like this, but I have to admit that I probably have spent way too much of my life looking to these kinds of movies for pointers on how to deal with real life issues. Ultimately, stories don't work out like they do in these movies.
How do people get together in real life? Simple. Become mild friends, not too close, not too far. Mutual attraction is useful here, but not totally required. Go out to some bar or party and get totally sloshed. It helps if everyone involved is pretty wasted. Wake up in bed together the next day. Get married 3 years later.
Mind you, various parts of this equation can change, but many of the key components must remain in place.
Now let us return to your garden variety guy. The difference between him and someone who is married is that the garden variety male DID NOT FOLLOW the plan I just outlined. Instead, he tried doing things like they do in the movies.
Idiot. Hitch was fictitious.
On the other hand, fictitious is a funny looking word.
Monday, December 19, 2005
The English Office
To begin, quick note of apology to you partiers on saturday. Sorry I didn't come out, but the fam and I were doing a bit of birthday partying, and I was feeling pretty lazy. Plus, we got one of those big cookies from the Great American Cookie company, and, even though I was insanely full, you still couldn't drag me away from the thing. It was like christmas in december or my birthday or something.
Oh yeah. It was my birthday.
Anyhow, I hope you all had a smashing time.
In other news, I've been watching the english version of the office, which I really enjoy. I don't understand who try to compare the two. Obviously, the English version is very british and the nice dweeby guy is very nice and dweeby, but that doesn't make the show better than our American version. It just makes it different. I imagine, though, that if you like reading books a lot, you'll prefer the british version.
Why, you may ask. Simple. (Imagine my David Brent shit-eating grin right here) The british version is one big story. It follows a natural progression from the first day to the end of the Christmas party. The American version does not do that. Each American episode is far more focused within the episode, rather than around the entire series. In essence, the american version is more like a traditional american sitcom. As such, it may not feel quite as intimate as the English version.
Also, the british receptionist looks remarkably like Angie Brummer. Does anyone else see that?
In unrelated news our heater is working again. As such, until I get up the energy to stand up and walk downstairs to turn the heat down, I'm going to feel a little overly warm, which means I'm not likely to make any of my better jokes, possibly involving shagging Kay until I can no longer feel my tongue.
Oh yeah!! I went there!
And, for my last bit of news, for those of you in the know I've just reached page 64 of my story. And no, it has nothing to do with Amish people. Not yet anyway. If that becomes a major issue, maybe I'll deal with it when the time comes.
And now, for the HTGBWET: get a low paying job as a paper salesman, work there for a really long time, embarrass yourself by asking out the receptionist you've had a crush on forever right before she leaves for florida, let her tell you no, wait 3 years, demonstrate how you really are the light at the end of her painfully long tunnel, stir, and serve.
While it may seem unnecessarily convoluted and in violation of the WET part of the HTGBWET by-laws, it certainly makes for good television.
Oh yeah. It was my birthday.
Anyhow, I hope you all had a smashing time.
In other news, I've been watching the english version of the office, which I really enjoy. I don't understand who try to compare the two. Obviously, the English version is very british and the nice dweeby guy is very nice and dweeby, but that doesn't make the show better than our American version. It just makes it different. I imagine, though, that if you like reading books a lot, you'll prefer the british version.
Why, you may ask. Simple. (Imagine my David Brent shit-eating grin right here) The british version is one big story. It follows a natural progression from the first day to the end of the Christmas party. The American version does not do that. Each American episode is far more focused within the episode, rather than around the entire series. In essence, the american version is more like a traditional american sitcom. As such, it may not feel quite as intimate as the English version.
Also, the british receptionist looks remarkably like Angie Brummer. Does anyone else see that?
In unrelated news our heater is working again. As such, until I get up the energy to stand up and walk downstairs to turn the heat down, I'm going to feel a little overly warm, which means I'm not likely to make any of my better jokes, possibly involving shagging Kay until I can no longer feel my tongue.
Oh yeah!! I went there!
And, for my last bit of news, for those of you in the know I've just reached page 64 of my story. And no, it has nothing to do with Amish people. Not yet anyway. If that becomes a major issue, maybe I'll deal with it when the time comes.
And now, for the HTGBWET: get a low paying job as a paper salesman, work there for a really long time, embarrass yourself by asking out the receptionist you've had a crush on forever right before she leaves for florida, let her tell you no, wait 3 years, demonstrate how you really are the light at the end of her painfully long tunnel, stir, and serve.
While it may seem unnecessarily convoluted and in violation of the WET part of the HTGBWET by-laws, it certainly makes for good television.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Guess what day it is.
If you said Dec. 17, saturday, or the day two men named Wright flew on Kitty Hawk beach in 1803, you would be correct.
BUT IT'S ALSO MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I would like to congratulate Kristi for being the first one to remember/know, though she did cheat by virtue of being a member of the three wise men birthday club (which I just made up) that used to consist of herself, Sara, and me. The really embarrassing part is I can't remember when the other two birthdays are. I'm pretty sure Kristi's is on the 20th and Sara's is on... either the 19th or like, the 26th or 27th.
So, happy birthday to both of you, and I would to wish everyone else a very merry unbirthday. To who? To you!
BUT IT'S ALSO MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
I would like to congratulate Kristi for being the first one to remember/know, though she did cheat by virtue of being a member of the three wise men birthday club (which I just made up) that used to consist of herself, Sara, and me. The really embarrassing part is I can't remember when the other two birthdays are. I'm pretty sure Kristi's is on the 20th and Sara's is on... either the 19th or like, the 26th or 27th.
So, happy birthday to both of you, and I would to wish everyone else a very merry unbirthday. To who? To you!
Friday, December 16, 2005
I missed a night!
First, I'd like to send out an apology to my dear readers. Due to circumstances not under my control, I did not post yesterday. I would like to say this is because of dire circumstances, like rain, wind, earth, and fire, but I cannot. It was TROLL PEOPLE!!!!
And by troll people, I of course mean Nate and Dean and, to a lesser degree, Davis. That's right, Dean called me up and explained to me that the four of us were having a night on the town. I said that I was poor. He told me I was gay. Now, I am not gay, but I do have many gay friends, so I tried to tell him that, but then he told me that I was gay.
Long story short, I ended up at I-HOP at 2:30am, randomly calling such fine figures as Kay and Joel, who we assumed would be awake. We also assumed Joel probably was involved in sinful and immoral acts. Because of this, we called him about 30 times.
I have to say, it was a pretty good night, and I managed to keep my bar tab below $20, which I think is very impressive. Before IHOP we visited first B J Boltons, then Blu, the bar on Tyler and Maple, where I shook my ass on the dance floor 'til there was no shakin' left to be done. Boo-yah, beotch!!!!
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now, if I could only stop being poor.
And by troll people, I of course mean Nate and Dean and, to a lesser degree, Davis. That's right, Dean called me up and explained to me that the four of us were having a night on the town. I said that I was poor. He told me I was gay. Now, I am not gay, but I do have many gay friends, so I tried to tell him that, but then he told me that I was gay.
Long story short, I ended up at I-HOP at 2:30am, randomly calling such fine figures as Kay and Joel, who we assumed would be awake. We also assumed Joel probably was involved in sinful and immoral acts. Because of this, we called him about 30 times.
I have to say, it was a pretty good night, and I managed to keep my bar tab below $20, which I think is very impressive. Before IHOP we visited first B J Boltons, then Blu, the bar on Tyler and Maple, where I shook my ass on the dance floor 'til there was no shakin' left to be done. Boo-yah, beotch!!!!
So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Now, if I could only stop being poor.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
BCCC
Hey, what if I became an adjunct spring professor at Butler County Community College? That would be pretty cool.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
REJECTED!!
Hi folks. To begin I would suggest making all new comments on this particular post that I am writing right now, so we don't have to miss the good times by accident.
Now then...
I saw my nephew sing in the colwich K-3 concert today. It was VERY cute. He kept looking around for us, so we waved at him. When he saw us wave, he got extremely embarrased and wouldn't look directly at us the rest of the time he was on stage. He would, naturally, shoot us glances to make sure we were still there/listening. Hopefully this taught us stupid grown ups a lesson!
Have I mentioned how awesome kids are?
I got my first job rejection today. To keep my pride levels extremely high, and to see if I can get humor out of it, I've decided to disect the message here.
It starts nice and personal:
"Dear Applicant:"
Doesn't that give you a warm glow of love?
"Thank you for your interest in the Eligibility Clerk position at Delta Dental of Kansas."
That sentence tells me they care about me, and my desire to be their Eligibility Clerk.
"There were a number of individuals who expressed interest in this position."
This sentence tells me their happiness was limited, because they didn't like to work. It also tells me that we are about to lead into...
"While you have some very valuable experience, we have selected another candidate to fill this position."
This sentence tells me that they "decided to go another way." Normally, at this time, I would be sending them a letter thanking them, and telling them I'd be in the office first thing next monday morning. Possibly in spandex. I would do that, but luckily the next sentence was bright and cheery and probably specifically tested on people in a study attempting to determine the perfect follow-up to "we aren't hiring you."
"We certainly appreciate your interest in Delta Dental of Kansas as an employer, and encourage you to keep us in mind in the future, should an opportunity arise."
Truly brilliant. And almost certainly more effective than "Please leave us alone now, and don't visit our offices wearing spandex and waving an uzi around."
Finally, we get to the closing sentence. It's my favorite, because it's a sentence designed to let you know that, while they would like to give me false hope, they are still shutting the door forever in my face.
"Again, thanks for your interest and best regards as you pursue other career opportunities."
And now, for the coup de grace. Who is sending this message? Surely it must be the director of human resources, no? Wait for it...
"Sincerely,
Laura Picking on behalf of
Amy Ellison
Director, Human Resources"
BAMMM!!!! Truly, a master stroke. Oh, and if you were wondering who Laura Picking is...
"Laura Picking
Human Resources Assistant
Delta Dental of KS"
She is the woman whose job I actually want. Good times.
Now then...
I saw my nephew sing in the colwich K-3 concert today. It was VERY cute. He kept looking around for us, so we waved at him. When he saw us wave, he got extremely embarrased and wouldn't look directly at us the rest of the time he was on stage. He would, naturally, shoot us glances to make sure we were still there/listening. Hopefully this taught us stupid grown ups a lesson!
Have I mentioned how awesome kids are?
I got my first job rejection today. To keep my pride levels extremely high, and to see if I can get humor out of it, I've decided to disect the message here.
It starts nice and personal:
"Dear Applicant:"
Doesn't that give you a warm glow of love?
"Thank you for your interest in the Eligibility Clerk position at Delta Dental of Kansas."
That sentence tells me they care about me, and my desire to be their Eligibility Clerk.
"There were a number of individuals who expressed interest in this position."
This sentence tells me their happiness was limited, because they didn't like to work. It also tells me that we are about to lead into...
"While you have some very valuable experience, we have selected another candidate to fill this position."
This sentence tells me that they "decided to go another way." Normally, at this time, I would be sending them a letter thanking them, and telling them I'd be in the office first thing next monday morning. Possibly in spandex. I would do that, but luckily the next sentence was bright and cheery and probably specifically tested on people in a study attempting to determine the perfect follow-up to "we aren't hiring you."
"We certainly appreciate your interest in Delta Dental of Kansas as an employer, and encourage you to keep us in mind in the future, should an opportunity arise."
Truly brilliant. And almost certainly more effective than "Please leave us alone now, and don't visit our offices wearing spandex and waving an uzi around."
Finally, we get to the closing sentence. It's my favorite, because it's a sentence designed to let you know that, while they would like to give me false hope, they are still shutting the door forever in my face.
"Again, thanks for your interest and best regards as you pursue other career opportunities."
And now, for the coup de grace. Who is sending this message? Surely it must be the director of human resources, no? Wait for it...
"Sincerely,
Laura Picking on behalf of
Amy Ellison
Director, Human Resources"
BAMMM!!!! Truly, a master stroke. Oh, and if you were wondering who Laura Picking is...
"Laura Picking
Human Resources Assistant
Delta Dental of KS"
She is the woman whose job I actually want. Good times.
Monday, December 12, 2005
WARNING: The following post contains adult content and language. Take that as you will. I did not write the following dialogue, but for the HTGBWET of the day:
It takes brass balls to GBWET. Happy reading.
Blake: Let's talk about something important! (to Levene) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. (Levene scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levene?
Levene: Yeah.
Blake: You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?
Moss: I don't have to listen to this shit.
Blake: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonights sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this months sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: 'The leads are weak.' Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Moss: What's your name?
Blake: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Levene) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots?
(Blake flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Blake: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention -- do I have your attention? Interest -- are you interested? I know you are because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision -- have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the prospects comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Moss) What's the problem pal? You. Moss.
Moss: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Blake sits and takes off his gold watch)
Blake: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Moss: Yeah.
Blake: That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Close!! (to Aaronow) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell real estate?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Blake: It takes brass balls to sell real estate.
(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)
Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williamson) They're for closers.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Moss as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at Moss for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Williamson)
It takes brass balls to GBWET. Happy reading.
Blake: Let's talk about something important! (to Levene) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. (Levene scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levene?
Levene: Yeah.
Blake: You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?
Moss: I don't have to listen to this shit.
Blake: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonights sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this months sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them! You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: 'The leads are weak.' Fucking leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.
Moss: What's your name?
Blake: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Levene) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you fucking faggots?
(Blake flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Blake: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention -- do I have your attention? Interest -- are you interested? I know you are because it's fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks! Decision -- have you made your decision for Christ?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the prospects comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Moss) What's the problem pal? You. Moss.
Moss: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Blake sits and takes off his gold watch)
Blake: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Moss: Yeah.
Blake: That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Close!! (to Aaronow) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell real estate?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Blake: It takes brass balls to sell real estate.
(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)
Blake: Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it's a tough racket." (he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williamson) They're for closers.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Moss as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at Moss for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Williamson)
Ball-clenching desire
Just so everyone knows, I would like to say something.
I strongly oppose boycotting Kristi's site. The only people who post here always seem to agree. When I'm getting online, my chief goal is either to read news, make jokes, or pick a fight. My blog is good for humor. Kristi's is good for thought-provoking discussion/debate. As such, with intent in mind, it is actually reasonable that the columbian discussion got forcefully removed, as it had nothing to do with intelligent debate, and everything to do with my ball-clenching desire for Kay's rock-hard abs.
Speaking of Kay, her rock hard abs, and a recent comment she made....
Remember when I was going to write a book in high school? I can't remember the exact title, but it was something like: "The Amish: An american Journey, or Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll"
I still think that would be a great book.
I strongly oppose boycotting Kristi's site. The only people who post here always seem to agree. When I'm getting online, my chief goal is either to read news, make jokes, or pick a fight. My blog is good for humor. Kristi's is good for thought-provoking discussion/debate. As such, with intent in mind, it is actually reasonable that the columbian discussion got forcefully removed, as it had nothing to do with intelligent debate, and everything to do with my ball-clenching desire for Kay's rock-hard abs.
Speaking of Kay, her rock hard abs, and a recent comment she made....
Remember when I was going to write a book in high school? I can't remember the exact title, but it was something like: "The Amish: An american Journey, or Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll"
I still think that would be a great book.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Sht!
So my niece who isn't quite 2 yet ran into the room today, bubbling, giggling, and generally being a cute 18 month baby, when she bumped into something and it fell over. She looked at her mom, then her grandma and me, and then she did her cute hands in the air uh oh look.
and then she said, "Oh sht.!"
She doesn't always pronounce her "I"s.
For a minute, no one said anything, because we weren't sure if what we heard is what we thought we heard.
Then I started laughing and laughing and laughing, and fell on the floor, and laughed and laughed and laughed.
She laughed too. Maybe because I was laughing.
Shit, do kids say the damnedest things.
and then she said, "Oh sht.!"
She doesn't always pronounce her "I"s.
For a minute, no one said anything, because we weren't sure if what we heard is what we thought we heard.
Then I started laughing and laughing and laughing, and fell on the floor, and laughed and laughed and laughed.
She laughed too. Maybe because I was laughing.
Shit, do kids say the damnedest things.
Important rules
And now, for today's HTGBWET: Don't got to a movie with your sister on a Friday night.
Hot Concession Staff Worker (HCST): May I take your order?
Sister: Um, yeah, two nachos and a soda.
HCST: Awwww, how cute. Sounds good, wink, wink. You want two straws with that?
Me: I JUST DON'T WANT A SODA. WE ARE NOT SHARING! Oh my God! I feel my soul crying inside!
HCST: Um, ok..., weirdo.
Me: (muttered under breath, as we walk away) stupid crying soul.
Hot Concession Staff Worker (HCST): May I take your order?
Sister: Um, yeah, two nachos and a soda.
HCST: Awwww, how cute. Sounds good, wink, wink. You want two straws with that?
Me: I JUST DON'T WANT A SODA. WE ARE NOT SHARING! Oh my God! I feel my soul crying inside!
HCST: Um, ok..., weirdo.
Me: (muttered under breath, as we walk away) stupid crying soul.
Friday, December 09, 2005
The slicker, quicker picker-upper... PR
Update: so it is friday night and I am feeling bored and like I need to get my mind off things. Solution: PR. When I need to get my mind off things, I call PR. (now at local walgreens near you.
An odd apology
Hi folks, for a few seconds I'm going to put joking aside and get serious. I had a dream last night that really shook me up. In this dream I was selfish and hurt someone. But it was worse than that. I was selfish in a way that I specifically abhor, and the person I hurt was and is more important to me than just about anyone else I've ever known. I'm going to leave out names and actions, so feel free to make guesses or not.
By the end of the dream, when it finally struck me just how terrible I had been, I saw myself leaving this bar/hotel/tri-level kind of building. It looked a bit like the Library at KU (is that still called the Library?), but was set in an Andale that does not exist. It was a smoggy, machine-ridden, rainy, and horrifying Andale. As I left, I turned onto the sidewalk and began to run, into the rain, into the dark, into the smog.
Even now, this evening, I still feel the guilt and shame of some imaginary act that tarnished far too many things in my life, and I don't know what to do about it. It's the most bizarre feeling in the world. A bit, I suppose, like that sense of fear you have for the entire day after a nightmare.
And now I don't know what to do. I hate this feeling, but it isn't as if I can apologize for something I didn't do. Besides, even if I did apologize, I think it would just creep out all parties involved.
Sounds pretty dumb, huh? Sounds dumb to me, too, but it's still there.
Well, I'm sure it'll go away given time. I just need a break from thinking about it.
However, if anyone out there feels like I owe you an apology based upon little more than a dream, here it is. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the fool I was, and the ass I became. I'm sorry for thinking about me and for ruining something that should never have been ruined. I know that will never be enough, but it's all I can do.
Alright, now that that weirdness is over with, let's talk about something else.
By the end of the dream, when it finally struck me just how terrible I had been, I saw myself leaving this bar/hotel/tri-level kind of building. It looked a bit like the Library at KU (is that still called the Library?), but was set in an Andale that does not exist. It was a smoggy, machine-ridden, rainy, and horrifying Andale. As I left, I turned onto the sidewalk and began to run, into the rain, into the dark, into the smog.
Even now, this evening, I still feel the guilt and shame of some imaginary act that tarnished far too many things in my life, and I don't know what to do about it. It's the most bizarre feeling in the world. A bit, I suppose, like that sense of fear you have for the entire day after a nightmare.
And now I don't know what to do. I hate this feeling, but it isn't as if I can apologize for something I didn't do. Besides, even if I did apologize, I think it would just creep out all parties involved.
Sounds pretty dumb, huh? Sounds dumb to me, too, but it's still there.
Well, I'm sure it'll go away given time. I just need a break from thinking about it.
However, if anyone out there feels like I owe you an apology based upon little more than a dream, here it is. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the fool I was, and the ass I became. I'm sorry for thinking about me and for ruining something that should never have been ruined. I know that will never be enough, but it's all I can do.
Alright, now that that weirdness is over with, let's talk about something else.
Some history
At my friend Sara's blog, I was asked to post something completely fiction about myself and her, then repost it in my blog. As such, I offer the following. Enjoy.
You know, when I think back to all the good times we didn't have, I'm hard pressed to come up with the best one. Also, it's frustrating because we really did do an awful lot of CRAZY things.
For example.
Remember that time we drove from Oklahoma to Andale while you read pornographic stories to us in the back seat of Joel's car? Or, on the same trip, when we all dressed up in bed sheets and pretended to have a Roman orgy, while taking hundreds of wildly incriminating photos?
What about that time Joel, you, and I all stopped at the road that ENDED! We just sat there and sat there for what may have been hours, waiting for trucks to finish the road that never came. Joel, after getting really pissed off, eventually threw his keys out the window, and we had to look for them in the mud!
Or what about the time we considered initiating sexual relations of some kind, only to have them cut short by our mutual decisions to, in fact, not have sexual relations?
And then, of course, there was the time we took typing class together as sophomores in high school and I became friends with you. That was when I realized it was possible for me to hold a conversation with a girl at all. You can imagine my surprise.
So you can imagine how difficult it is for me to come up with an adequate fictional thing we did together, when we did so many amazing real things.
Though my favorite one was when you, me, kay, katie, and Jennifer Aniston all had sex with each other on a bed of nails hidden above the spring of eternal youth, which in turn flows into the Tigris river (which means we were in Iraq) back when Baghdad, Iraq was called Dar es Salaam. Oh, what a sunny afternoon that was! All the tea, the monkeys, the homosexual wombats, the kangaroo (kangaroos? what is the plural?), and the watermelon seeds! And then, when stupid Angelina Jolie had to show up with her cave woman lips to ruin it all by suggesting gellatinous oral sex! Whore! We didn't even have any jello! Way to throw it in our face, Angelina!
Yup, that was definitely my favorite fake moment, after all those real ones, of course.
You know, when I think back to all the good times we didn't have, I'm hard pressed to come up with the best one. Also, it's frustrating because we really did do an awful lot of CRAZY things.
For example.
Remember that time we drove from Oklahoma to Andale while you read pornographic stories to us in the back seat of Joel's car? Or, on the same trip, when we all dressed up in bed sheets and pretended to have a Roman orgy, while taking hundreds of wildly incriminating photos?
What about that time Joel, you, and I all stopped at the road that ENDED! We just sat there and sat there for what may have been hours, waiting for trucks to finish the road that never came. Joel, after getting really pissed off, eventually threw his keys out the window, and we had to look for them in the mud!
Or what about the time we considered initiating sexual relations of some kind, only to have them cut short by our mutual decisions to, in fact, not have sexual relations?
And then, of course, there was the time we took typing class together as sophomores in high school and I became friends with you. That was when I realized it was possible for me to hold a conversation with a girl at all. You can imagine my surprise.
So you can imagine how difficult it is for me to come up with an adequate fictional thing we did together, when we did so many amazing real things.
Though my favorite one was when you, me, kay, katie, and Jennifer Aniston all had sex with each other on a bed of nails hidden above the spring of eternal youth, which in turn flows into the Tigris river (which means we were in Iraq) back when Baghdad, Iraq was called Dar es Salaam. Oh, what a sunny afternoon that was! All the tea, the monkeys, the homosexual wombats, the kangaroo (kangaroos? what is the plural?), and the watermelon seeds! And then, when stupid Angelina Jolie had to show up with her cave woman lips to ruin it all by suggesting gellatinous oral sex! Whore! We didn't even have any jello! Way to throw it in our face, Angelina!
Yup, that was definitely my favorite fake moment, after all those real ones, of course.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
a kansas teaching joke
I feel it is necessary to put this joke on the main board, because it is good.
Ahem,
I once tried to get a teachers license in the state of Kansas, but then I evolved.
Ahem,
I once tried to get a teachers license in the state of Kansas, but then I evolved.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Bureaucracy
So it seems like every time I try to do something, get something accomplished, earn money, become a better person, interact with foreign dictators, etc. I get caught and stopped cold by the man. In this case, I am referring to bureaurcratic instigators from hell. Specifically, I'm refering to the grad dept. at MSU and the state of kansas emergency substitute program. I haven't talked about MSU yet and don't intend to until AFTER I officially get my degree. Too many things can "accidentally" happen by someone reading this blog for me to slip up now. However, I'm totally willing to talk about the substitute thing that will be sending me to the police station, because I have to acknowledge that it is partially my fault and because I think it's a good idea.
I am a guy infamously known for being late. You need to know this first.
Anyway, today I went to the district office in the hopes of becoming a substitute teacher, so that I could buy gifts for starving orphans for christmas: gifts like a can opener, so they can actually eat the food in the donated cans; gifts like a certain stipend of electricity, so they can play all those cool xbox 360 games they have; and gifts like newer shoe polish, so they can better buff shoes in the street.
Simple things.
So I got there and the lady asked me if I had my license. I thought, this is going to be too easy. Of course I have my license. How else could I have gotten here! So I give her my drivers license and social security card. And she stares at me. And I stare back. This lasts for a few seconds. Then she says, "and your license?"
Now I'm stuck for a moment. I had already handed her my license. I was suddenly very worried. I say nothing. What kind of strange game were we playing?
She blinks. "Your state of kansas license?"
I'm not sure what to do now. My state of KS license is literally resting in her hand. We are both looking it! I start to perspire, though this may be because of the huge coat I'm wearing. It is warm in the office, but freezing and snowing outside.
"It's," I pause, then continue, "It's right there." And I gesture at her hand.
She crinkles her eyebrows for a moment, closes her eyes, and says, "I mean your license to be a substitute teacher."
Long story short, I have to go to the police station to get finger printed so that the state can run a background check on me at the cost of $45 plus what could be an 8 weeks waiting period, just so I can substitute teach. I really do think this is a good idea, thoug. I am generally opposed to criminals, child molesters, and rapists acting as substitute teachers for the day.
Anyway, now I have to come up with $45 and hope that I can teach at least a few days before Xmas and the pay period. Otherwise, I'm going to have to borrow money from Selena, which I hate doing. But don't hate that much. Also, I still have to pay for applications to school.
Balls.
And now, for the moment's HTGBWET: Don't be a penniless bum during the christmas season while living at your mom's house.
I am a guy infamously known for being late. You need to know this first.
Anyway, today I went to the district office in the hopes of becoming a substitute teacher, so that I could buy gifts for starving orphans for christmas: gifts like a can opener, so they can actually eat the food in the donated cans; gifts like a certain stipend of electricity, so they can play all those cool xbox 360 games they have; and gifts like newer shoe polish, so they can better buff shoes in the street.
Simple things.
So I got there and the lady asked me if I had my license. I thought, this is going to be too easy. Of course I have my license. How else could I have gotten here! So I give her my drivers license and social security card. And she stares at me. And I stare back. This lasts for a few seconds. Then she says, "and your license?"
Now I'm stuck for a moment. I had already handed her my license. I was suddenly very worried. I say nothing. What kind of strange game were we playing?
She blinks. "Your state of kansas license?"
I'm not sure what to do now. My state of KS license is literally resting in her hand. We are both looking it! I start to perspire, though this may be because of the huge coat I'm wearing. It is warm in the office, but freezing and snowing outside.
"It's," I pause, then continue, "It's right there." And I gesture at her hand.
She crinkles her eyebrows for a moment, closes her eyes, and says, "I mean your license to be a substitute teacher."
Long story short, I have to go to the police station to get finger printed so that the state can run a background check on me at the cost of $45 plus what could be an 8 weeks waiting period, just so I can substitute teach. I really do think this is a good idea, thoug. I am generally opposed to criminals, child molesters, and rapists acting as substitute teachers for the day.
Anyway, now I have to come up with $45 and hope that I can teach at least a few days before Xmas and the pay period. Otherwise, I'm going to have to borrow money from Selena, which I hate doing. But don't hate that much. Also, I still have to pay for applications to school.
Balls.
And now, for the moment's HTGBWET: Don't be a penniless bum during the christmas season while living at your mom's house.
DSL
Yet another day passes, and I still haven't signed up to substitute teach. I absolutely have to by tomorrow, as I want to start on Friday. At the moment, I'm still terrified. I like children, but I really don't like the ones who don't like me. And EVERYONE hates the sub!
On the positive side, though, we got DSL today. So far, I've been incredibly impressed with both myself, and my networking skills. I never knew I had it in me. Just to prove how awesome I am, I have decided to include my WEP ID. No one would have ever thought of this one! It is totally unique, the number is...
What? Oh, hang on, I need to go help with the dishes.
Now where was I? Um. Oh yeah, the WEP number, where did it go? I had it lying write here. Crap, I must have thrown it away. I'm sure I have a copy somewhere, but it just seems like too much work to find. Maybe some other time.
And now, for today's: HTGBWET (that's How To Get Babes Without Even Trying)... Be a dirty, lazy bastard and a backup dancer for about 2 days, plus be a stupid hick sumbitch. It's a guarantee from the only man who can give guarantees on the subject: Kevin Federline. Or whatever that bastard's name is.
Until Later..
On the positive side, though, we got DSL today. So far, I've been incredibly impressed with both myself, and my networking skills. I never knew I had it in me. Just to prove how awesome I am, I have decided to include my WEP ID. No one would have ever thought of this one! It is totally unique, the number is...
What? Oh, hang on, I need to go help with the dishes.
Now where was I? Um. Oh yeah, the WEP number, where did it go? I had it lying write here. Crap, I must have thrown it away. I'm sure I have a copy somewhere, but it just seems like too much work to find. Maybe some other time.
And now, for today's: HTGBWET (that's How To Get Babes Without Even Trying)... Be a dirty, lazy bastard and a backup dancer for about 2 days, plus be a stupid hick sumbitch. It's a guarantee from the only man who can give guarantees on the subject: Kevin Federline. Or whatever that bastard's name is.
Until Later..
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Starting something new
In an effort to stop taking myself so seriously (I'm sure that happens), I've decided to create a blog specifically for talking about nothing, cracking wise, and kicking ass.
Until important things in life start happening (give it a few weeks, really), I'm going to be substitute teaching, starting on Friday. I'm terrified. Never have I seen a more horrifying creature than the 11 year old girl and/or boy. They can roll their eyes more effectively than... um... creatures that roll their eyes exceedingly effectively. Like if a cat could roll its eyes. Or that horrible woman from Fox news with the eyelid surgery. "I'm staring at YOU, WORLD!!"
Oh, and to answer your question if you found this site by googling it... Screw off, piece of crap, 13 year old hooker, stalker dude!! That's right, John Hinckley! I'm talking to you, you bastard! If you aren't trying to get babes, you don't deserve babes! I choose not to judge you on the Reagan thing, but Jodie Foster is MINE!
Until important things in life start happening (give it a few weeks, really), I'm going to be substitute teaching, starting on Friday. I'm terrified. Never have I seen a more horrifying creature than the 11 year old girl and/or boy. They can roll their eyes more effectively than... um... creatures that roll their eyes exceedingly effectively. Like if a cat could roll its eyes. Or that horrible woman from Fox news with the eyelid surgery. "I'm staring at YOU, WORLD!!"
Oh, and to answer your question if you found this site by googling it... Screw off, piece of crap, 13 year old hooker, stalker dude!! That's right, John Hinckley! I'm talking to you, you bastard! If you aren't trying to get babes, you don't deserve babes! I choose not to judge you on the Reagan thing, but Jodie Foster is MINE!
Test Post
The following is a test post in which I'm going to mention the LSAT and preptests and see what happens.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)