An apology, in a sense

Well, my initial plan for this post was to write an apology to a particular person, but that just doesn't sound like me. I was right the first time around. Sure, I felt like an ass later and probably should not have broadcasted my thoughts quite so widely. Lord knows I've been able to keep my trap shut once in a while in other situations, but what's done is done.

What AM I sorry about? I know I am sorry, but let's consider exactly why.

I'm sorry for having caused conflict. I'm sorry for having dragged a real name into the story, when guilt/innocence was not proven. I'm sorry for having hurt feelings and making people feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry for having dragged attention away from where it belonged at the time.

Um. Yeah, I think that takes care of it. I'm not particularly sorry for talking about a famous type of interaction, because it's an important type to air out. I'm not sorry for airing my thoughts on the matter, nor for admitting my boundless lack of self-confidence.

And now... a tribute to Kristi: bow chick a bow wow! Chick a chicka bow wow! Chicka bow wow!

Moving On

Today I watched Hitch for the first time since I saw it in the theaters, and I have to say, it isn't as amazing as I remember. Sure, it's good. I definitely enjoyed it and saw the parallels in my life and personality, but (and this could just be wishful thinking) I think I've moved beyond that kind of thing.

So let's move on in general. Today I did a few things in preparation for school, which of course leads to daydreaming about school, which in turn leads to looking up other people who go to school at KU.

All of this leads me to believe one thing. To be successful in law school, you have to be a pretty funny person in the so-called blogosphere.

That said, I'd like to talk to everyone today about something near and dear to my heart. My Cell Phone.

That's right, my VX8100, which I affectionately refer to as Timmy (and which my two year old niece calls either "mines" or "pictures!"), has been cut off from the powers that be.

In other words, the power cord is not handy and will not be handy for about 2 weeks. The battery is dead. My social life is forever ruined.

Prostitutes!

This means I wasn't able to talk to or call anyone for a whole 24 hours. I ordered a replacement from ebay (S&H was 6.50, the replacement cord itself was 1 penny - ebay is amazing), but who knows when that is getting here?

So I cried... and I begged... for you to love me, love, say that you'll love me.

Um. I mean, I was sad. Then, like a vision from the heavens, I realized how to deal with my current crisis. My mom wanted me to clear out my truck in preparation for moving. I opened the truck bed, pulled out an extremely old bag, brought it inside, and opened it.

"What did you find?" you ask?

I found MY OLD PHONE FROM MONTANA!! That's right! That's why you don't throw things away and why Joey doesn't share!

I know!

And it took a long time and was probably totally unnecessary, but my old VX3100 is back in operating condition as of a little while ago. It has been successfully re-activated, and the good times are here again.

New Rule (unrelated to the maxims of HTGBWET): if you want to touch me, you have to be willing to perform strange phone related acts with me from many miles away. All others are verboten.

Except Kyle, who is my driving buddy this weekend. Also Kristi, I guess, but only because saturday is her special day.

Edit (5 minutes later): Also, whoever is from (or near) westlake village, CA should step forward. I'm curious who is reading my blog from out there.

Beta and the V-train

Hallo Leute!

It's been over a half week since my last post. I don't know if anyone noticed that, but I do heartily apologize. Starting on Thursday I had to house sit for my aunt, and it sort of precluded any excellent post writing, then on saturday I went apt. hunting in the lawrence/kc area.

All that said, I'm back! That's right. Welcome to HTGBWET 2.0.14.04212.63 BETA! Yes, it's been a long time in coming, but HTGBWET has been needing a new influx of talent and wisdom, and the only person I know with newer talent and wisdom than me is....

ME AGAIN!

Which means, of course, if you are actually keeping score, that virtually nothing has changed. Maybe next time.

However, I do have a bit of good news for at least one person out there. K-tastic, I did not fall off the V-train this week, which means, unless something very unexpected happens, you shall pass me in our little race.

You should know, though, that it looked like I could have. I met a REALLY freaky chick at the bars who was gonna go home with this couple and have a 3-way (swear to God. The two chicks were making out hard core. It was nifty). Anyway, she was gonna do that, but she offered me a ride home and, based upon a simple count of ass-grabbin', I'm pretty sure that things would have proceded in a very interesting direction.

However, the couple did not want her to take me home, and I eventually relented. I may have come to the conclusion that a nameless one-night stand might not be the best way to fall off the v-train. I guess there's something to be said for having a pre-existing relationship, before getting down to any hardcore boning.

Weird stuff.

For all of you other reads though, you need to take this as a lesson.

HTGBWET Tip #84: Lose your virginity early, so you don't have to worry about facing moral dilemmas later. It's very difficult to get babes when you are saying no to them.

Rent?

Screw it. Let's just open up a restaurant in Santa Fe.

You know, Rent is an amazingly touching movie, even if the ending is a little dumb. In fact, maybe that's part of it. You are never quite satisfied with the end and are forced to live through the music in the middle again and again.

At the moment I'm listening to the song "Will I," and it has put me in a thoughtful mood. Sometimes while we're all busy having fun or worrying about petty concerns like de-virginization, we sort of forget that maybe our lives aren't all about filfilling silly whims.

I don't have much else to say beyond that. This isn't really a do-gooder post. I'm not going to provide any links to the good will or anything like that. I just find myself caught up in the lyrics:

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

I mean, I think we've all been in a place in life where we wonder this. Lord knows I have.

Yeah, I've got nothing. I don't know how to express what I want to say.

I remember my freshman year of college. The first semester sucked, but I somehow managed to get through it. The second was not so easy.

I distinctly remember times when I would feel so overwhelmed that all I could think to do was go hide in an empty room and stare at the wall. I had not learned to cope. There was even one very terrible day, as I was driving back up to school from a trip home, when I seriously considered wrecking my car, just so I wouldn't have to go back up to that terrible place.

That's what I think of when I hear this song. I remember the fear. I remember the terror. I remember thinking that I was being attacked from all sides, like standing naked in a hurricane.

In the book "A Princess Bride" they talk more vividly of the torture machine that momentarily kills the man in black. The story goe that the man in black had been trained how to escape the pain of torture by moving his conciousness into the dark, safe places in his body that were not feeling the pain.

However, the torture machine devised did not allow that. There was no safe place. Every part of his body was covered by the thing, including his eyes.

Anyway, then it got a little better. I didn't even notice the change; it was so gradual. I attribute some of this to an english professor of mine named Max Sutton, but that is a different story.

The semester ended. I went home and had a boring summer job. And when I came back, I discovered that college wasn't as terrible as I remembered. It was really very surprising how much I enjoyed the experience after that.

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

I'm a surprisingly happy guy. I've lived a peaceful, good life so far. It makes me wonder. If I've found myself asking these questions for a semester, how many other people ask them far longer?

confidence and prostitution

I hate to point to other sources of insight, but sometimes the world throws me these bones, and I don't know what else to do with them.

I watched yet another episode of How I Met Your Mother, and it was pretty good. The storyline wasn't as awesome as last week, but the message was just as important.

Warning: about to give it all away:

So the main character guy gets set up on this date with a hooker by Barney, who is the man. And things are going REALLY WELL, because, obviously, she is a hooker.

Eventually, Ted (the main character) and the hooker go up to this hotel room, and ted says he can't sleep with a prostitute.

Meanwhile, Barney reveals that "ha ha" she ISN'T a prostitute.

Moral of the story: Confidence. Ted wasn't worried about what to say or anything, because he knew they were gonna get together. Now if he could just bring that kind of game every time: bamm, he'd be on fire.

It's an interesting thought and one I'll have to keep in mind. It's kinda like shooting an arrow. Don't shoot at the target, shoot through and past the target. This also works in pool. Don't worry about the ball you're trying to sink. Worry about where the cue is going after you sink the ball.

Less than 2 weeks!

Alright, folks. It is about to be Tuesday, April 25. This means that we have less than 2 weeks before Kristi gets married and finds herself at the station off the v-train.

After much consideration (and with an amused eye cast toward the contention from Friday), I've decided it is everyone's job to push Felix off the v-train BEFORE these two weeks are up.

If this does not happen, Felix will be sad, but unsurprised. However, secondhand sources indicate that he will blame all of you for making him officially "that guy who was a virgin longer than KRISTI!"

He also swears that if the movie 40 year old virgin becomes like a biopic, he's gonna be pretty pissed off.

monday and floss

Ma chere Mademoiselle et Monsieur, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you this morning. And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a chair as the HTGBWET proudly presents - Monday!


Hi, all. Isn't this a great morning? Some mondays I hate, but this one is not one of those.

This weekend was fairly empty. Aside from seeing American Dreamz (I enjoyed it) and dancing naked through the streets of Colwich at 4am, nothing really happened.

Ok. I lied about one of those two things. Can you guess which one?

And, as we all know, when nothing of any note happens in between postings it is important for us at HTGBWET to come up with a life lesson so as to attract new readers and maintain old ones.

Therefore, today's life lesson is: Always have floss handy if you are eating corn on the cob or an apple. This may not happen to some people, but it is a source of neverending irritation for yours truly. There I am, relaxedly enjoying an apple, when suddenly - and without provocation - the skin of the apple gets tripped inbetween my teeth!

BASTARD APPLE!

Now my teeth gaps are really frustrating. They aren't wide enough to allow a fingernail or toothpick to remove the bit of apple skin, and they aren't narrow enough to simply never allow the skin in in the first place. As such, the only solution for myself and countless thousands of other loyal readers is to sit in silence or find floss.

Regrettably, I just ate lunch and no floss is handy. Perhaps I'll go downstairs and get some.

Perhaps not.

Friday Mailbag - 4/21

In what I hope can only be an exciting move, I've decided to create a new format for fridays, after the surprising success of my tuesday mailbag edition.

That's right prognisticators out there, every friday I will select the comments I like the most from the week and slap them on the front page, then make silly remarks/responses to them.

To begin, let us consider the quiet musings of Kiki, a loner and ne'er-do-well from Tallahassee, FL, who responded effusively to my sex statistics:

These statistics bode very well for me in 2 weeks. YIPEE!!!

Yes, Kristi. We know.

We all know.

Which leads me to an odd question. Which of that infamous original group that first had it's founding my junior year at the big table will be the last remaining true virgin? Vegas has Felix by 20 points, but two dark horses are eyeing him warily.

Our new best friend at HTGBWET - Vince - had this to say:

The last person I was in bed with would have been willing to repeat the experience, but I wasn't. I kinda regret having been with her in the first place, as it was the first time I let myself get in that situation with someone I wasn't into intellectually and/or emotionally... no thanks, again.

The editors at HTGBWET give a huge thumbs up to bar skanks, Vince. Sure, they aren't for everyone, and certainly there is a bit of regret later, but at the same time, at least you gave your hand a rest.

The editors at HTGBWET instantly regret that last remark, and, as a consolation give Vince the last comment of the day.

This resolution never lasts. :-)

Women are too powerful, impossible to resist forever.

Wiser words have never been said. Sure, He-Man had the power of Gray Skull, but didn't that mean that he was just the Sorceress's bitch?

And with that we return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Lupine

I want to talk to you guys about a book that my mom used to read to me when I was little. It was a very important book. Far more important than "I'll like you forever. I'll love you for always." At least, in my mind.

I don't remember the title, and we no longer have the book anymore, but let me give you the synopsis.

A little girl used to visit her grandmother's house on the sea every summer, and every summer the yard around her grandmother's house would be full of a particular, purple flower called a Lupine. One day the little girl asked her grandmother about the flower, and her grandmother said that it had been her favorite flower for as long as she could remember, and before that it had been her grandmother's favorite flower. The little girl stated that it was her favorite flower as well.

Ordinarily that would be the end of the story, but for this little girl it was not.

As tends to happen, this little girl grew up. She went to school and became well educated and full of words. She traveled the world and saw a great many sights. She got married, had children, and her children had children.

Eventually she became an old woman herself, yet she always felt incomplete, like she hadn't quite finished something. Over the years she became a widow, and it was unremarkable. Women always lived longer than men in those days.

One day she decided that she had grown tired of this feeling of restlessness. She decided that she needed to know why she felt so unfinished. So she retraced her life. She visited her children and grandchildren, whom she loved very much. She traveled the world again, visiting exotic places like India and South America. She even returned to school.

But none of it did the job. Finally, she did the last thing she could think of. She returned to her grandmother's house on the sea, which was old now with much chipped paint. As she turned the last corner to get to her grandmother's home, she was greeted with a sea of purple.

Over the years the Lupines that surrounded her grandmother's house had spread and spread, until they stood as far up and down the coast as the eye could see.

Then the old woman knew what she had to do. She had done many things in her life. She had seen many things in her life. But she had never made a difference with her life. She had never given back.

When that summer ended, the woman went to every plant store she could find and purchased bags and bags of Lupine seeds. She got on her bicycle and did what she knew was the right thing to do. She gave back.

From town to town she road, spreading seeds where ever she was. Soon people in all the towns knew who she was and made jokes about the crazy woman with the seeds and the bicycle.

But she did not stop. She kept riding and planting and riding and planting, until every bag was empty, and the time for planting was through.

Then she waited. Over the winter and early spring all the townspeople continued to joke, until they forgot, as people tend to do.

Then one day in early summer a little girl woke up, opened her window blinds, and let out a loud exclamation. Before her, as far as the eye could see, was a sea of beautiful, purple flowers.

All the people in all the towns in all the land woke up that day and were surprised at what they found. Some shook their heads and continued to make jokes, but most simply stayed silent. The world around them had suddenly become intensely beautiful.

And then the little girl who had thrown open her window blinds looked at her grandmother and asked about these purple flowers. The grandmother replied that this flower was the Lupine, and it was her favorite flower since she was a little girl, and that it had been her grandmother's favorite flower as well.

Then the little girl said that it was her favorite flower too.

And that is the story. Take from it what you will.

Edit: OK. I just found it. Turns out I'd done a little judicious editing from my childhood, but I think it remains a beautiful story and a beautiful boook. It's title is Miss Rumphius.

Edit (the next morning): Perhaps the most important thing I left out was an instruction the girl received when she was young. "What is the purpose of life?" she asked. The answer was pretty simple. Visit amazing places, return home, and make something in the world beautiful.

O no! My pride! My resolve!

So sad news for all you woman haters out there. My firm resolve to just-say-no to relationships is already cracking. I haven't done anything rash yet, but at some point in the future I can't say that I might not try making eyes at someone.

Think of me!

Tom Selleck is Awesome

Three things:

First, Tom Selleck is awesome.

Second, it isn't 2am yet.

Third, my list may have started an unstoppable wave on myspace! Perhaps in a few days I will try to repost a new list with all the terms others have added.

Edit (1:33am) - It still isn't 2am. I guess that show was right. I was thinking about doing something that I might have regretted and didn't do it.

On another note, I saw a shooting star tonight and made a wish. It was a pretty amazing shooting star too, if a fairly uneventful wish.

Edit (2:01am) - Ok. I'm unplugging myself from this thing I call the internet. It's time to either go to sleep or do something that has no ramifications for tomorrow. G'night, y'all.

Stats and Sex

So it has occurred to me that an awful lot of my HTGBWET's involve a surprising amount of trying. As such, I've decided to include a new one today that requires VERY little effort.

HTGBWET #4: Already be married.

Yup. You heard it here first. Can you name the one group of people that have more sex than any other group? How about the most regular sex? Or even the most guaranteed group to sleep with somebody.

Married people. I don't know why I haven't thought of this before. Stats prove it too! Married people or people who are living together have twice as much, or even 3 TIMES as much sex as single people.

Living together: 146/yr
Married: 98/year
Single: 49/year

So there you go, folks. I don't recommend TRYING to get married or move in with someone, as that takes SERIOUS effort. But if you are already married, or very close to it, you have an average of 146 to 98 great days per year to look forward to.

Throwing in the towel: Mailbag Edition

Alright, so it's the next day, and I remain surprisingly resolute in my decision from yesterday. My new stand has generated a WAVE of reader replies (2), and I feel it necessary to go to the mailbag.

My first comment comes from Erin in Wichita. She says:

But think of the nice things she might do for YOU if you do those things for her!

To which I must reply:

Right right, but my major point here is that I'm giving up on trying to reach a point where any of this matters. If I were in a relationship, all of this would probably be very handy, if not totally obvious, but I'm not and have decided that I'm tired of wasting so many of my resources trying to be in one.

Joel is fond of saying that it's all about confidence. Others have suggested that it's all about social classes.

Both could be correct. My guess is that confidence defines social class, at least to an extent. You are who you think you are, at least to others.

And I guess that's where my problem lies. I think I am a fat guy who isn't socially apt, who doesn't understand most interpersonal social interaction, who can't hear or otherwise interact in noisy environments, and who is generally intimidated by the very women I am most attracted to.

Now I'm able to overcome pieces of this puzzle, but I can't detangle the whole skein at one time. As such, I've decided, finally, after about 14 years of trying, to just give up.

I think this generally sounds like a good idea. It's hard to be intimidated when you aren't worried about failure. If I'm not trying to get with a particular woman, I'm much better at being loose and fun in almost all social situations.

There is a chance that the first few times I attempt any of this I'll be met by extreme failure. Old grooves die hard. I just think that eventually I'll be much happier and productive.

And, once again, this doesn't mean I'll be turning any relationships down. It just means that I won't go through the rigamarole of wishing I had one and actually trying to get one using that stupid list.

Our second letter comes from Joel in KCK, who is currently using a Dell Latitude:

It'd be funny if it wasn't advice for a relationship. Slow dance with her even if there isn't any music playing, the tree carving or the throwing of the pebbles, how quickly you think that shit would get someone arrested if it wasn't in a relationship?

To which I reply:

That's why people need to join myspace. I thought the list was so ridiculous that I posted it for my friends as one of those forward-type things. Everyone who reads it is supposed to add another item that SOUNDS awesome but does not actually work (and might even be creepy).

Throwing in the Towel

Anyway, in my bored wandering along the internet I came across a list of things men should do for women. Let me see if I can find it again.

Here we go:

1 . Tell her she is beautiful, not hot
2 . Hold her hand at any moment even if it just for a second.
3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5 . Always tell her how beautiful she is, no matter what she's wearing.
6 . When she is upset hold her tight and tell her how much
she means to you.
7 . Recognize the small things . . . THEY USUALLY MEAN THE MOST!
8 . Call her baby
9 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
10 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
11 . Write her notes. {she loves them}
12 . Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
13 . Play with her hair.
14 . Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.
15 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
16 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.
17 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.
18 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
19 . Carve your names into a Tree.
20 . If she's mad at you, apologize because SHE is always right.
21 . CUDDLE
22 . Bring her Flowers just because.
23 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when
you're alone.
24 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
25 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
26 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.
27 . Kiss her in the rain.
28 . If your in love with her . . . Tell her

Now, in reading this list, an important thought came to me... Why? Why should men do these things for women? After a bit of contemplating, I decided it wasn't a list for the single bachelor type (i.e. myself), but rather it is a list for men who are already in relationships. It was a strange moment of horrified dawning realization.

Why "horrified"? I don't know. It's a funny word.

Anyway, the list got me to think about the person who had posted the list, relationships in general, and the obvious fear and insecurity that everyone must feel basically all the time about the opposite sex.

Eventually I came to the only conclusion that seemed reasonable. I just can't handle it. Certainly, I enjoy doing all of these things. I just hate constantly worrying about basically everything I do or say.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. I am not a confident person, when it comes to close, personal relationships, and this essentially eliminates my chance to HAVE one.

And I think it might be a bit late in the game to try switching personalities.

As such, I've decided to throw in the towel. At least for the moment, I'm done with the whole thing. Screw kisses on the forehead and name-carving in trees. Down with play-wrestling and slow dancing. To hell with recognizing the small things and playing with hair. I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I'm not going to try anymore. If a woman is interested in me, neat. Maybe I'll respond, but I won't go out of my way to try to interest her. It isn't that I can't be bothered. It's that I can't handle the frustration.

That's it from me. I'm tired, and it's probably time to go to sleep. I have to wake up in about 5 hours.

The Coalitions of the Willing

Following up my rant from the other day, in which I discussed the notion that the modern republican isn't the conservative that I knew and loved, I've come across an article that discussing the interesting nature of american politics in the two part-system.

Check it out.

It's major thesis is that the democratic and the repubilcan parties are NOT parties in the traditional sense of the word (which is better seen in our smaller splinter parties, like the green party, or in European parties), but they are rather party COALITIONS, which makes more sense the more I think about it. Consider a paragraph from the article.

When Bush looked like he could do no wrong, Repubs were glad to latch onto his coattails and be the Party of Bush. They supported what he supported, no matter how abhorrent the idea was to them (budget deficits, anyone?). But now that he's not doing so well, we're seeing many more independent-minded Repubs. His coalition is falling apart. But they’re not splitting off as individuals, but rather within the specific factions that they were always in. The Social Conservatives feel used and ignored; the Fiscal Conservatives feel betrayed; and the Neo-Conservatives just feel stupid. And within these groups are various sub-factions which have their own ideas of what needs to be done. But these groups always existed as implicit parties within the Republican coalition. And the only thing that kept them silent was the lure of success.

My rant from yesterday seems to fit well with this idea. My words could be seen as an argument that fical conservatives (the ones I was calling true conservatives) should feel angry and betrayed by the other Republican groups.

Anyway, if you get a chance, try skimming it. At times it can get a little boring, but for the most part it's really very nifty. (It also puts a different spin on recent actions performed by McCain, if you've been paying attention and choose to see it that way.)

Kay Rocks

And in other news, Kay rocks (and may be full of 60s style love for the lucky chosen few!).

edit: Also in the category of rocking: The GeeWay man, for correctly figuring out the movie allusion.

The Neverending Story: Awesome 15 years ago... still awesome?

Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2 AM

As has been known to happen, I've seen a show/movie/song/etc., been put into a contemplative state by it, and am now considering the message as applied to my life.

Tonight I watched the most recently episode of How I met your Mother. The title? Nothing Good Ever Happens After 2 AM.

At its best, How I met your Mother can almost compete with scrubs, which is saying an awful lot. I don't think it's ever as good as scrubs, but it has situations that I can more easily identify with, and that is a major factor.

Back to my post.

How I Met Your Mother is correct. Some of the worst decisions I've ever made happened after two AM. These were the crimes of passion. After 2 AM I left the bundle of flowers. After 2 AM, I left the voice message that initiated the downward spiral that effectively ruined one of the best friendships of my life. After 2 AM I officially decided to make the phone call that was preceded by the theft of a hat on a bus (that I just recently was reminded of, by the way).

These decisions and actions resulted in virtual nightmares of pain and sadness. They drove people away. They left me feeling more empty and alone than I have ever felt. They are the original reason I started saying everything will be better in the morning.

And yet, though they were not good, and though they so negatively affected my life, I can't say that I regret them. In the book that I'm writing the true adventure begins after 2 AM.

Heck, in my actual life the stories, the real, forever, honest-to-God STORIES begin after 2.

On Kristi's blog I said that people don't want to hear about calm happiness. I was right. People want to hear about pain, regret, loss, and sadness, because those are the emotions of power. Those are the emotions that bring us all together. Those are the emotions we remember deep, deep down, beyond the Nothing, where darkness travels faster than light and these hands look like such strong hands.

Because I made mistakes after 2 AM, I am who I am today. Some might argue that that isn't a great thing, and there would be a point in that argument, but that just doesn't matter.
I am who I am, and I am glad for it.


P.S. This post itself was written after 2am, and, as such, readers may not hold me liable for the obvious logic gaps and lack of effective prose. Nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

Good times and some discomfort

So I went to Kristi's pre-Marriage party (what else do you call it?). It was more fun than I thought it would be. I was a little worried that the only person I knew there would be Kristi and maybe Julie, and, I mean, those aren't great odds. But it turns out Val, PD, and Kyle were there, so it was all good.

Anyway, as I said, I had a good time, except for about a 3 minute stretch, when the good time turned to weird and awkward (which is one of those neat words whose spelling matches its meaning). This was when I (in my friendly manner) tried to introduce myself to Kristi's soon-to-be sister-in-law Christi.

I know. Weird.

Anyway, I introduced myself, and, as far as I can tell, she got really hostile, really fast. Not "screw you" hostile, but the kind of hostile when a girl who thinks she's about 20 rungs up the ladder from you is pissed because you try to talk to her at a bar.

Anyone with me on that? All of you guys should be nodding your heads at this moment. It's a very terrible moment when you get that "You are the scum that grows under dirt" look. If you're actually out to meet women, it totally wrecks the night. Luckily, I was not.

I don't know. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Maybe she's just like that, or maybe she was tired of dealing with guys like me. She was excruiatingly nice to Joe a couple seconds later, but that might just be because they all know one another now.

Like I said. I don't know. It was really uncomfortable though. Especially because I lack that boundless self-confidence that allows me to shrug those things off.

huh.

Anyway, all the rest of the night was a great time. There was a pretty funny competition among the 3 major couples of the evening (Kristi and beau, his parents, her parents). Kristi, Kyle, Val, and I always slip into instant relaxed communcation. I ate cookies, which I really should never do. And there was a funny picture taken involving a balloon and a surprised Nathan.

Also, I met Stan Finger. I know. THE Stan Finger. Stan the Hand. Remember when I mentioned that I talked to AG, and I used a specific word to describe the odd feeling I got out of that experience? I got the same feeling.

I just wish I could remember the word. It's like "odd," but I'm totally blanking. I only remember that Erin got irritated by it and used the word "explosive." I think it starts with a vowel. Like the word "erratic," but obviously different with a different meaning. It might also sound like "equivical." Or it might sound like none of those.

One thing I am sure of. A is WAY more attractive than Stan the Hand.

Summer School #2

It's on! I talked to the assistant admissions lady, who says everything is fine for me to start in the summer. I talked to the financial aid people, and it looks like everything will work out on that end.

All in all, I'd say things are looking up for Nathan John Thomas B#####!

As long as things work out as predicted, I believe the only thing left to do is consider summer living options. J-rock, what's the news on your end? I figure I can probably either sublet really cheap from somebody, or else help you accelerate your plans. I'm pretty open to whichever plan seems more easily accomplished on your end.

And on that note I'm outy. I'm wicked hungry, and I think I'm gonna try to find breakfast pizza somewhere in the great nation of the Wichita. Also, I need to return a book to the library.

Law School Update: Summer School #1

Hi all.

So for the past few days I've been waiting patiently for an email from the director of admissions at KU Law regarding the possibility of starting in the summer. Up to now I haven't heard back, which has made me a little nervous.

Why no reply? Could Carrie be fighting valiently against the board, arguing my right to start is summer if I so choose? If so, should I write back and say that it isn't a huge issue?

Finally, I called today. Turns out, Carrie (the director of admissions) is on vacation this week. It makes sense, her major recruiting tool of the Law School openhouse happened last week, making this as good a time as any to vacation.

So I talked to a woman who was neither the director nor the assistant director of admissions, but who was very nice and knowledgeable. She said that she couldn't make any decisions about summer program for me, but that odds were in my favor. I guess they've been trying to increase attendance, and my participation would be greatly appreciated.

However, for anything official, I'll have to wait until either tomorrow (when the assistant gets back) or Monday, when Carrie gets back.

Super exciting.

Also, yes, I will indeed be there on Saturday. Have anything specific in mind for me to bring?

a meta-post and the beautiful people club part II

Alright, that's enough of that. While I do enjoy and often prefer politics as a conversation piece, that isn't really the purpose of this blog. As such, let's talk about something near and dear to my heart...

Weird. I'm having problems coming up with something near and dear to my heart that is also funny. Usually when I write a sentence like that some thought always pops up. For example, Diet Grape Soda.

But not right now. As many of you know, I was downsized last week, which means I'm leading a bored life of not doing a whole lot this week. I check my email about 20 times a day, wait to find out if I'll be doing an early summer start at the KU law school, log onto myspace and facebook a depressing number of times, and generally lead a zombie half-life.

Though I have had more energy for my story lately, so that's good.

Anyway, I think I'm so bored that my random, funny, creative gene is starting to misfire and fall into some kind of winter slumber.

Wait. That isn't right. The gene is still working. So far it has already suggested otters, book dust, wind blowing people away, and the dangers of unprotected hand shaking. The trouble is that too many other bits of me keep rejecting these ideas.

Suck.

Oh well. Perhaps later I'll feel a little more energetic. In the meantime, I want to hear any opinions you might have on modern day beautiful people and whether they do or do not have a club. Are you one? If so, your comments would be especially appreciated.

Oh. Also. For a while there I was nearly earning one hours worth of minimum wage per month, but that number has fall drastically, so I ask again that everyone click the google ad near the top of the page to continue to fund the one day party I have.

the Anti-Conservative Republican

Kay wrote the following comment in the comments section, and I thought the discussion deserved a grander stage. So....

Nathan, this is in response to your comment on Katie's blog about why I feel one way politically and vote another. Well, it's very simple. I'm fairly liberal at heart on many things. However, I just feel that politically wise it's better to err on the side of conservation; I don't want a bunch of liberal freaks out there making my laws. I want people who are somewhat conservatively fanatic keeping control of things. They're not always right and they don't always do good but neither do liberals and their crazy liberal ideas scare me.

Ok. I'm gonna say it again, but more explicitly.

To err on the side of "conservation" is to err on the liberal side. To err on the side of "conservativism" is to err on the conservative side.

I acknowledge and accept the rest of your feelings; I just hope you vote accordingly.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

Many people assume that the modern republican is a honest-to-god conservative, when that can be the farthest thing from the truth. A good conservative believes in local government, strong military, education decisions made by parents, and low taxes for all. Essentially, a good conservative wants the federal government to maintain an army and otherwise stay out of everyone's face.

But that is definitely not what a modern republican always stands for. For example, a modern republican who professes that there is reason for violence against judges, or who seeks to legislate our beliefs by forcing prayer in school, or who seeks to reduce taxes on the rich by pushing even harder taxes on the poor is NOT a true conservative.

In fact, such a person, in a sense, is more liberal than a liberal, because this person wants the federal government to over-reach its power, which is the exact opposite of the conservative mantra.

Being a liberal-minded fellow myself, I often don't mind over-reaching federal power, if the good of the people or the world is at stake. It just really irritates me when the people doing it are doing it for their own minority interests.

A nice example of this modern republican ANTI-conservative posturing is that conference that is either happening, will happen, or already did happen called "The War Against Christians."

Now, normally a meeting with this name might be held by anti-christians (e.g. crazy muslims or crazy athiests). However, in this case it is being held by the so-called religious right (i.e. the modern FAKE conservatives).

Now one might wonder who exactly is waging this war against christians. As far as I can tell, christians control every seat of federal power and is pushing an agenda that is doing everything in its power to undermine science, which wouldn't be possible if they were the weak and embattled minority.

In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people waging this war ARE these crazy christians and the demons in their head.

It is a rally convention. It is a place to teach people to fight against those who might be waging war against christians. But who could that be? Could it be the pornographers? Could it be the man standing at the street corner, voicing his opinion? How about those kids who dress funny at college?

Screw it! Let's make it all of them!

I know I'm going a bit overboard with this, but I'm trying to make a point. Warriors (soldiers) are taught to dehumanize the opponent, whoever that might be.

And when an individual is no longer a human, it is ok to be angry that they don't agree with you. It is ok to totally ignore their view point. Heck, it's ok drive them into the dirt if they get in your way.

These people are not the face of conservativism. True conservatives do not want the government telling ANYONE what to do. These religious folk want the government to tell everyone what to do.

So that's my point, Kay. I don't particularly agree with your original goal of erring on the side of conservativism, but I respect it. What I don't respect is voting for people who are out to eliminate religious (or any other kind of) rights, because you think they are less likely to screw up the country than liberals.

As far as I'm concerned, these anti-conservative, religious republicans are the mostly likely group to screw up the country. At least, they make me very nervous.

the beautiful people club

Very little to post today. I just want to say that I find extremely attractive people who are also outgoing frustrating. I've been playing around with this MySpace.com thing, and I've come to the conclusion that there really is a beautiful people club.

Somehow, they are all friends or are very willing to become friends. And meanwhile, the less beautiful people are left scratching their heads, wondering what happened. Maybe it's just that we are less believing that we can befriend anyone we want.

Probably not though.

Here is an example of a recent post on myspace by a beautiful woman to a beautiful man
"youre absolutely gorgeous..
mwah!
-Jessica <3"

Seriously. Just ridiculous.

Moving On

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Somehow I always find myself having ignored or avoided my blog until late at night, and lately, late at night has found me a tired, cranky old man.

To begin, I'm found of phrases that have to do with time fixing everything. "It'll all be alright in the morning" is a good one. Also, "Wait a week and it won't seem that bad." That one has a lot to do with tests and poor timing.

I firmly believe in this notion. Pain in all its forms is a temporary thing. Sadness, difficult decisions, worries, unpleasantness... all of these may be conquered by chugging along and relaxing just a little bit.

This law school thing seems to fit that mold fairly well. When I began, I was nervous about the whole deal. I'd gotten my LSAT score in, but was REALLY short on time to get the necessary applications out and had no idea if I would get the requisite references from my various professors. However, I continued working at it all, asked the correct questions, put minute amounts of pressure in the proper joints, and otherwise didn't worry about it.

And so we are where we are today. I've been accepted by two law schools and been put on the waiting list for a third. I'm generally happy with all three, though displeased with the monetary situation to some small degree.

As such, I've made a 90% certain decision regarding the future Nathan J Thomas M.S., J.D.

I'm virtually certain that I'll be attending KU law next year with an emphasis in international trade, business, and tax law. If all goes well, I'll be a fine upstanding lawyer in a few years time whose morals aren't too sacrificed (primarily because I believe law defines morals in national discourse). Of course, this means that I think a few laws need to be overturned (e.g. death penalty and stupider california laws), but I digress.

Why KU, you ask? Well, Temple and KU are pretty close together in terms of awesomeness, though Temple is slightly higher, but Temple also happens to be WAY more expensive. To the point that it doesn't seem worth it, especially considering my financial situation post graduation.

Meanwhile, I haven't been accepted into William and Mary yet. Odds are that, while I may or may not ever be accepted, if I am I won't get my fellowship and therefore probably won't be able to afford W&M. I'll agree to remain on the waiting list, just to see, but I've essentially ruled them out.

And so here I am. KU, the only school that didn't waive my application fee, has become numero Uno. And, after everything I saw on friday, I couldn't be happier about it. I like the mildly competitive atmosphere. I like the camraderie. I like the opportunities and possibilities.

Now all I have to do is get it all right. To end up where I want to be, I'm going to have to work my ASS off for the next 3 years. For the first time in my life, I'm going to have to try all the way through. We aren't talking slow improvement over 3 years. I want a 4.0 after the first semester, and I want a 4.0 after the last semester. I want to be a member of and editor for the Kansas Law Review. I want to be involved in a Federal Court Clerk externship. And I want to feel accomplished in everything I do.

It's an odd attitude for me. I wonder if I'll manage to keep it up.

Beyond all that, I only have one goal for the next three years. I want to meet Her. That's right. I want to meet RUTH BADER GINSBERG!

Just kidding. Actually, I would enjoy meeting Ruth Bader Ginsberg, as I like her the most of all the current justices, but that's not who I'm talking about. If the past three years were a hiatus from dating, making sweet love, and finding a general life partner, I want the next three years to be... Um, whatever the opposite of that is.

It may be time to set aside crushes and fear and all those other things that have been so much fun for the past 11 years. It may also be time to stop living on couches and begging for loose change.

How strange it might all be.

a slight, sleepy delay

'k, it turns out I lied a little bit. Its late saturday/ early sunday, but I'm really tired, so I'll talk about my weekend after I wake up.

Um, for the short version: I enjoyed myself, but it was really only so-so. Neither terrible nor awesome. I was very impressed with the Law program at KU, and I also learned the ultimate conversation starter for fellow exported wichitans.

More later.

p.s. Katie, my friday evening was not unhappy, but it also was not very interesting. As such, we split whatever you were thinking of 50/50.

Not the greatest week

Have you ever had one of those weeks?

That's a great sentence. It allows for so many different ideas and perspectives, and it brings us all together, because we've all had one of those weeks.

Let me tell you about mine.

Two days ago I learned that I was going to be downsized on Thursday. In other words, I'm losing my job tomorrow. Now for those who know my situation, this is definitely not the worst thing ever. I'm set on bills for a while, though I'll probably have to curtail eating out. I will still be able to afford all of the things I need to afford for school and such. Plus, this gives me a chance to find a better job.

The thing is, I'm still being downsized. I mean, no matter the light you put on it, that doesn't feel great.

And on top of that my Friday plans have been shot. For quite a while now I was going to go up to KU, attend the admitted Law Students program, watch a class in-session, and generally enjoy the environment. Then, when I was done, I was going to spend a boring but relaxed evening hanging out with my friend Vanja, who you may know as the bosnian babe.

Well, the KU law school thing is still on, but Vanja is out. She has a remarkably good reason that I won't go into, as this isn't her blog, but I think it still sucks. I've been all excited for two weeks, and suddenly it's just turned into a business trip.

Maybe I'll take in a strip show.

On the upside, this means I'll be partying it up in KC on Friday night, which will be pretty cool. It's just that it won't be the same.

Maybe I should calm down for a second. It's still Wednesday. This week still has three more days to turn around significantly and many events are in place that should facilitate this turn-around.

I'll tell you what. Either late saturday night or early sunday, I'll write again. At that time, I'll let you all know how the second half of this week went. In the mean time, I'll be accepting fake wagers in my comments section. Whoever guesses most accurately how the rest of the week goes gets a prize to be determined later.

I will also be accepting suggestions for prizes.

political boredom

Alright, so I broke down and entered a profile into My Space. You can check it out here.

In other news I'm visiting Lawrence this coming Friday to go to the admitted students day at the KU Law school. That should be pretty fun.

But enough about me, let's talk about me. (Kinda like "the queen is dead, long live the queen") But in a less direct route. I've decided that I don't have a cause right now. Most of the major political topics of the moment feel stupid and/or tame.

For example, this whole port-ownership fiasco seems really stupid to me. The workers will be the same. The cargo will be the same. The majority of the managers will be the same. The only real difference is that the profits are going from an British company to a Middle Eastern company.

I mean, it isn't even like the profits are suddenly going overseas. They weren't staying in america in the first place.

If you were looking for a reason to be upset about security in the ports, why not consider that the vast (like, over 90%) majority of containers are not inspected. Items could be smuggled in daily, and no one would ever know.

But no, we all have to pull the idiotic chicken hawk routine again and again, and go after a trivial bush white house action. On the other hand, I guess the populace really digs into this less meaningful stuff, as the numbers really took an extra nose-dive for bush and co. after this and the illegal wire-tapping fiasco popped up. Take what you can get, I guess.

Honestly, I'm not even all that jazzed about the Iraqi civil war. I mean, honestly, will it be much different than anything going on now? I pretty much doubt it. If it didn't hurt our own oil interests so much, I'd be all for splitting up Iraq into 3 geographical regions and give each group the one they want, along with some constitutionally enforced agreement concerning oil rights.

But that would really mess up our chances to get lots of free (or extremely cheap oil), so that isn't gonna happen either.

All in all, I'm just generally feeling jaded and bored with politics. As such, I put it to you, my faithful commenters, to come up with something for me to give a rats ass about. And please don't mention abortion (either side), creationism, guns, or the separation of church and state. None of those is gonna do the job for me.

Dreams and Heroin

So I had one of those dreams last night that was all things bright and beautiful. You know the kind? Where you spend the entire dream feeling almost suprised and gratified that something you'd pretty much relegated to "not happening" suddenly starts happening? And then you wake up and realize that you'd just dreamed all that, that none of it was real, and that odds were against any of it ever being real. And so you feel disappointed.

Times like those are when I start to guess how heroin addicts might feel. For a short time the world is all things wise and wonderful. For a short time you exist in a near euphoric state, where you can barely believe you are as happy as you are.

And then it all comes crashing down.

On the other hand, heroin addicts can always get the dream back, whereas I can't and probably wouldn't intentionally if I could. In the end one must prefer whatever reality you are honestly presented with. To live a dream is to live an empty, meaningless life.

Law Firms

Sometimes its fun to see what the big name law firms are up to, just in case I may end up working for them. Baker Botts is a fine example of this. I hear about the ridiculous amount of money one might earn by working there, and so I naturally get curious about what exactly they do.

So let's think this through. Baker Botts is a law firm centered in Houston, TX that earns viel geld. Any guesses on what they might do or who they might work for?

THAT'S RIGHT! Oil! (Also, Haliburton) Now I don't think it would kill me to work for these folks, as I firmly believe that everyone has a right to equal representation; however, I just don't seem myself working on oil related matters. If I did end up at Baker Botts, I'd have to be put somewhere else, which, as I read the rosters of services provided, doesn't seem impossible.

The law firm that looks the most interesting at the moment, though, is the international law firm of Fullbright and Jaworski. I think I would seriously enjoy brokering deals among international organizations and being forced to make the occasional trip to Munchen.

Of course, for any of that to happen, I'm gonna have to do some good things over the next little while. Some REALLY good things. Like, so good that they would make all the things I've done recently look like nothing. I wish I could be more like those friends of mine who have crazy work ethics.

Also, K-dogg, it is your job to send nice prayers for a friend of mine up in Lawrence who is getting surgery today (friday). Theoretically it is pretty routine, but I'm not above looking to the holy for some intervention, even if most scientific evidence does not support its usefulness in hospitals.

Bedtime for Bonzo - emotional vomit

One last thing, then it's bedtime for bonzo.

HTGBWET tip #241 - If you find yourself wanting to say some things that maybe you mean and maybe you don't to someone, consider writing those things down before hand then waiting a while. It's possible that you'll look at what you wrote and realize that maybe you didn't mean that at all.

This, I understand, is called emotional vomit. It's meaningless, useless hormonal emotion that does not advance the situation and can often be counter productive. Ultimately, it's just the vocalization of short-term feelings, rather than actual ideas and opinions and even the more important long-term feelings.

I read about the notion in an article about how guys really shouldn't open up immediately on a first date. It's better to slowly open the gate that hides who you are, rather than flooding another with your emotional vomit, suggests this article. I happen to agree, though I can't say that I'm the poster-child of the movement. For me it is often all or nothing.

But I'm working on it. And isn't that all we can ask for?

emotional (i.e. stupid) politics

Here's a neat article.

At Emory University, psychologist Drew Westen and his team conducted what they believe is the first study of "the neural basis of any form of political decision making." They did this by using brain imaging to study people as they processed political information during the 2004 campaign.

To rape and pillage fine science with rough paraphrasing, this is what they discovered: When 30 self-described partisans were presented with contradictory quotes about the candidates (President Bush supporting, then denouncing Ken Lay; Sen. John Kerry supporting, then denouncing a Social Security overhaul), it was the portions of the brain that process emotion, not rational thinking, that became active. "The thinking caps went off and the feeling caps went on," is how Westen put it to me.

Normally, Westen says, a brain faced with contradictory information will fire up the zones where reason or rational thought happens. The 30 partisans in this study were presented with contradictory quotes from Bush and Kerry, but also from Hank Aaron, Tom Hanks and the writer William Styron. They processed the information about the non-politicians with the reasoning centers of the brain. It was politics that short-circuited them. ("This is your brain; this is your brain on politics.")

It would be reasonable to ask whether all brains — not just partisan ones — respond to political information emotionally. Westen says the answer is clearly no, that research does demonstrate that centrists or independents are more able to process rational and non-emotional political information.

But Westen's MRIs show that is clearly not the case with political contradictions processed by a partisan brain. That process is almost entirely emotional, heating up regions of the brain that govern things like forgiveness, relief and pleasure. The reasoning zones stayed ice cold.

As far as I can tell, that means that probably everyone who's ever posted on Kristi's website (possibly including myself), has found him or herself reacting in an emotional manner, rather than a thoughtful and logical one. And I mean that in the most literal, most fMRI/brain-scan/whatever-you-want-to-call-it sense.

I wonder how and why that is. One thing is for sure... No crap! I often feel myself doing exactly what this article suggests. When someone says a contradictory political statement to me, I reply almost instantly, which I should perhaps consider as a negative thing. My entire thesis suggested that automatic and emotional responses are TERRIBLE. So why do I still find myself so will to engage in them?

I don't know. Something for all you folks to think about. Maybe the next time you hear a trigger word like abortion, government, liberal, conservative, Bush (heh, bush), Schiavo, death penalty, war, Iraq, Sept. 11, welfare, etc. etc. etc., you should take a step back and think, "Hey, maybe I should consider this again." Or even, "Screw re-thinking it, maybe I'm dead wrong."

Sadly, I just can't see most of us doing that.

Nerves and Long Distance

You ever get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, like you don't know what's gonna happen next and you're a little afraid to find out?

I do.

I do.

Sorry, had a little Sixth Sense flashback there. Anyway, this week or next I'm gonna find out the news concerning my number 1 school, William and Mary, and I am very nervous about the whole deal. Of course, there are other things out there up in the air that I'm nervous about, being a generally nervous fellow, but W&M is pretty high on the list.

As such, I've determined that it is time for another episode of HTGBWET! America's favorite made up dating help service!

Today I want to talk to you about long distance relationships. As far as I can tell they either never work, or they are made up of people named Dean and Kay, who seem to have some magical powers that evade the rest of us. I can attest to that. I once watched Kay cut through furry handcuffs using nothing but her diamond-tipped nipples.

It was AMAZING!

Also, if you haven't noticed, Kay is obviously made up of some sort of combination of volcanic and sedamentary materials dating back millions of years. How else can we explain the rock hard abs and diamond tipped nipples?

Back on point. Long distance relationships don't work. People know this. Which is why, when you are trying to get some hot action at a skanky bar, claim to be from out of town. This way, both of you will know that if anything is gonna happen, there'll be no strings attached.

It's like alcohol without the embarrassment and later regret!

Nathan does not claim to have practiced any of these tips, nor does he suggest anyone actually attempt them. Also, he advises keeping a healthy distance away from Kay's nipples on cold days, no matter how drawn one might be by the magical siren song. In addition, Nathan is willing to concede that Kay may well be a very nice girl who is in no way composed of rocks or other forms of heavier carbon compounds, including but not limited to diamond and bucky balls.

Chuck Norris?

I like toast.

Also, check out this link and click the "watch movie" button to see the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny.

edit: Some of you may be wondering why I'm providing other people's humor, rather than inserting my own. To you I say, "HEY! IT'S MY BLOG! YOU WANNA FIGHT!?"

So there.

Whose house? Run's house!

Whose house? Say what? Run's house!

Hiya, yo, sup, how ya' doin' my peeps. I don't know 'bout ya'll, but I'm feeling mighty fine.

You might be wondering why, so I'll drop his shnizzy on you. I's a playa!

Hell, ya, beeeotch!

Well, maybe not a player, but it is now conceivable that I have at least a tiny amount of game. Pistol Pete and I went out tonight, because he was in town, and mostly nothing happened.

THEN, we went to IHOP. And here is where things get interesting. We walk in and there is this huge line. But Pete cuts in front of it, theoretically to ask about the wait. Turns out, either legally or illegally, there was a small table for two open in the smoking area, so we sucked it right up. As we walked into the room, a verbal fight was breaking out, and two girls who we sat near were talking about it. So I asked them what was going on.

Then Pete and I turned to our menus, but I sat in such a way as to make talking to the two girls VERY easy. And so, naturally, our two tables would occasionally interact. I eventually decided on the Chicken Fried Chicken, which - SURPRISE SURPRISE - the girl in the table next to me was also getting!

So I asked her about the sides. (Being such an innocent fellow who usually "just gets the breakfast.") Turns out, she says, that she's an expert on IHOP dinners. A while later, I start to complain that I need to go to the little boys room, and I try to explain to Pete what to order if the waitress comes by, but he doesn't get it. SO...

I turn back to our friendly female neighbor and explain that she needs to order for me.

When I get back, I thank her, give her a high five, sit down, wait a little while, then nonchalantly turn around again and ask the two girls how they feel about the empty part of the booth they're sitting in. Then I point out that I feel bad taking up two tables when there is such a long line of people waiting to eat.

Presto chango, Pete and I are sitting by two lovely ladies.

Now, nothing really comes of all this, though we all did have a lovely night, but I'm still feeling pretty danged good about the skills I displayed. After this I might try for something a little more exciting, like a phone number.

Maybe not at IHOP, though.

Why I like March

Happy St. Patrick's day, everybody! Yesterday was a great day of basketball and today should be another. I think it is important to note that there is one thing March Madness does that very few other things can do for this nation - and most of those things are natural distasters - and that is putting together this sense of national union.

There are those who say the college basketball tournament is just a series of games, and I respect that opinion, but must disagree. It may have been that at one time it was just a series of games. Today it is akin to a grail. It is one of the few things that almost everyone in America can agree on, because we all are willing to officially disagree on it.

It is almost the definition of the modern american spirit!

Many people will not be impressed with that notion. Many will not care. To have a bit of light fun, many will be irritated that their reruns were pre-empted by live basketball being played in every part of America at once. I just wish that were not the case. I wish I could somehow interest you all in the miracle that draws this nation together.

Think of it like this. When do the humans get to beat the cylons? How often does David get to beat Goliath? When do hollywood stars have to be in a production with community actors? When have you sat at a table with Tom Cruise or the entire cast of Happy Days?

That's really what this tournament is about. For one day tiny, little Montana University could tangle with the biggest, richest school in New York. Kansas can prove that it is better than every other state in the nation. The world is suddenly forced to pay attention to Peoria, IL and Milwaukee. It's about recognition and respect. It's about loving a person you've never met, even though you consider yourself the most heterosexual individual on earth.

I posted that article link that explains all this so much better than I do, but I thought I'd toss in a few words of my own, just so you might get some idea where so many people are coming from.

Oh, and I got a cool, green jacket-type thing yesterday, which leads me to believe that Mossimo is my officially favorite clothing brand. Everything I've ever purchased from that brand has fit better and looked better than anything almost anything else.

Ignored

Seriously folks, I'm feeling pretty ignored here. The post that attracts the most comments is one sponsored by Joel's initial comment? Your job is to preen my ego by making thoughtful contributions to my thoughts!

Or at least make funny and probably dirty minded jokes!

Actually, the reason I'm feeling ignored right now has an entirely different cause, but I'll get into that another time. Y'all take care now, y'hear?

America's Tournament

For an awesome article about America's Tournament (aka March Madness), visit the following..

link

It's SWEET, though I'm sad that I've never been to the bar in Butte, MT, even if I have been to Butte multiple times (hint, don't drink the water).

some meandering thoughts

Lately I've felt like I just have so many things to say on this thing. Maybe after a bit it'll all die down. Maybe not. Anyway, here's some more.

I didn't realize that I hadn't concluded my post from a few days ago. Yes, I've joined the Y. Yes, it's the same Y as Erin is in, as we discovered today. Yes, I'm developing mighty muscles and will soon be able to join the beautiful people club. And, yes, I am using the butt work-out machine. Why? you ask. Simple. I am the inheritor of the infamous plumber butt disease. My hope is that if I develop butt muscles, maybe my pants will stay up better.

Any of you who know how these things work may feel free to chime in on this.

I don't like it when people pick Duke and Uconn in the championship game. It's totally boring. C'mon people! Be adventure-some!

I was crazy sick yesterday. I came home, went to sleep at 6, woke up at 9, went to sleep at 9:30, woke up at 3:30, went to sleep again, woke up at 6am. That's right. 12 hours of sleep. In a sense. It was awesome. Except for the part where I had no idea what was going on. But I was feeling pretty good at six.

Speaking of 6am and the Y, I think I might start going there at 6am to do the morning swimming thing. Probably not, at least not until I figure out where my swimming trunks are, but I will definitely consider it.

In yet other (less explicit) news, I think I may have been coming off as weird and needy lately, so I think I'm gonna back of for a while. I've been told it's important to do that. If you have any idea what this paragraph is about, I give you props.

Um. And I think that's it. Since I last talked about it, I haven't got much done on my story. Nevertheless, I have high hopes. Also, I think when I'm done, I gonna go back through and simplify as many sentences as possible. Sometimes I'm writing to a high school reading level, when I should only be writing for 6-8th graders.

March Madness

As a courtesy to your friendly neighborhood Joel, I've decided to include his comment on a main post. I'm participating, which means you should too.

Joel Says:
Hey, I started a bracket group on ESPN.com.

Here's the link: http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/group?groupID=107033&password=bucknell

the group name is: Joel's group
the password is: bucknell

Everyone go and fill out a bracket and get your ass kicked by me. You have to sign up with ESPN first, but that's easy and quick and just like the million other things you have to register for. I'm trying to get as many people as I know to enter, so invite anyone you want as long as they're not pieces of crap.

I'll drop this on some other blogs too much to get the word out.

Back to Nathan:
Alright, so join up. It should be a good time. Of course, I picked A TOTALLY homer bracket, but I'm not an impassive sports writer, so it's ok.

Thinner!

In the post below I talk about basketball and weight loss. Read that. It's good. This post is just for my own vanity.

Here I am on Jan 3, 2006















Now let's look at me today, 2 and 1/2 months later on March 12, 2006














Note, if you will, the position of the end of my belly in relation to the end of the arm rest. That's right. I truly am a sexy beast.

Anyone who wants to touch me can form a line; I am open to all.

Five Things: Basketball and Weight Loss

Couple things.

First, sometimes I have no idea who leaves me comments on this blog, but I appreciate the feedback. Keep that up. Concerning Temple, I agree. If they don't give me WAY more scholarship action, I think I'm gonna nix'em.

Second, I would like to take this time to thank Texas for proving me and my statistical analysis correct. I should also take this time to acknowledge KU, who is remarkably good at learning from losses this year.

Third, I was rooting for Bradley all the way up until 5:30 today. Now I've stopped rooting for Bradley.

Fourth, look for the A&M over Syracuse 5 vs 12 upset on thursday. And, if that doesn't happen, Utah State over Washington. Look for zero protest-related shooting deaths at Kent State this week, as well. I can virtually guarantee zero protest-related shooting deaths.

At least, this week.

Fifth... I've got nothing for fifth. I didn't do very well on my diet this week and went up 2 lbs. I feel sad. Remember, as I said before, if you wanna get babes without trying, don't become thin, already BE thin. So now I'm gonna start working hard again.

Five Things

Hmm. It's been a long day. There are many things I could talk about, but very few things worth talking about. This puts me in an odd predicament. Do I want to discuss at length in a mediocre post, or do I want to find those tiny nuggets of thought from within the slough?

Let's try for the second.

1. If I haven't mentioned it already, I've been accepted by Temple and KU so far.
Cost:
KU: 12 - 18k per year
Temple 44k per year

Ultimate average starting income:
KU: 45-55k per year
Temple 65-85k per year

Difficult decision.

You see the issue? Maybe william and mary will come along and fix this whole problem for me. Or maybe another complication will arise that will make me REALLY happy, but will change everything... Unlikely.

2. Women are more beautiful when they are intelligent. Also, when they don't smoke.

3. I believe I'm down to my last 15 to 20 pages of story, plus or minus an epilogue that I haven't decided on. I'm pretty pumped.

4. Look for flowers in a week in a half to continue my 3 year scheme that I've devised that is guaranteed to leave me in tears, because I over-think things and am not confident do everything the way I probably should. A Tale of Two Cities will be nothing compared to this. There are those of you who might know what I'm talking about.

5. I'm tired. G'night.

YMCA

So I'm doing a fairly nice job on the dieting/ weight loss side of my life, but now I believe it is to time to take care of the other side of getting healthy: being active and developing big, manly muscles.

To that effect, I think I'm gonna join the YMCA today. It seems like a nice day for joining a gym. Hopefully I'll find some racquetball friends. My official plan is to get off work every day and head over to the Y, where I'll do a bit of exercise, then head home.

The plan feels fool-proof. Ordinarily there might be days where I could feel too lazy to go to the gym, but if I'm already in town, that shouldn't be an issue.

Anyway, wish me luck. Also, keep clicking above. You guys are doing a great job. I've NEARLY earned 1 hours worth of minimum wage! And it only took 2 months!

Bored

I am so bored! It's thursday night, technically my Friday, and I've done nothing fun and exciting all day long.

And yet, I'm feeling remarkably lazy.

Go figure.

Syracuse?

Being an ardant KU fan of the past 7 or so years, I never thought I'd say this, but way to go Syracuse. Awesome game! Also (and this really stings) props to MacNamara.

no story?

Hey everyone. It's wednesday, but that doesn't mean anything any more. Remember, if you still want to read chapters of my story, just email me and I'll get them to you. If not, I hope you had a fun ride up to this point.

Oh, and I want to thank the 3 people that clicked my ad link in the past two days. Thanks to your generous contributions, I've earned another 40 cents!

Examining a bush

The following story is told in the 3rd person limited-omniscent, because it seems most likely to be funniest that way. Also, most of it is made up, but some parts are vaguely true.... Oh, and if you don't think it's funny, you can go suck it. It turns out I'm not that good at telling jokes in the third person. Now piss off. Or, uh, maybe just read this story.


Pete didn't know exactly what caused it, but he knew that it was real. Perhaps it was the chill night air of the Plaza. Maybe it had been that 6th drink. Or, he supposed, it could have been the creepy chick with the vibrator who kept trying to dance with him.

Regardless, he had to piss like a race horse. It was perhaps 20 minutes to Joel's house, but 20 minutes can seem like an eternity when you think you might explode from every direction at once. Plus, that would show those arrogant Plaza bastards! Let's see how much pride they have in their Gap with newly tinted yellow windows.

Joel didn't think it was a good idea, Lacey wasn't saying anything, and Felix was too far behind to provide any reasoning.

"C'mon, man. This is NOT the place for that kind of thing," Joel said, only slightly slurred.

"No! No, I'm gonna do it! I'll just aim at this bush here." Pete gestured to the potted plant in the middle of the well traveled sidewalk.

"Suit yourself," Joel said, knowing that sometimes arguments stop working, "but isn't that a potted plant?"

Pete did not hear him, so he climbed into the passenger seat of his car, and Lacey climbed into the driver's seat. Ordinarily, Pete would have been very grateful for Lacey, but he had other things on his mind.

After a moment of careful adjustment, Pete relaxed, sighed contentedly, and began to whistle. At that moment, two very different creatures came around the corners of the block.

Felix was at the south corner. As far as he could tell, Pete seemed to be looking at him funny. Felix looked down at his shirt, worried that some drink had been spilled on him again, but he didn't see anything.

Around the north corner came a white SUV. Pete thought it was a taxi. Taxis have those lights on top like that, right? Pete thought to himself.

Yes, said the omniscent narrator. A taxi is one example of a car with lights on the top....

"Pete!" Joel screamed under his breath, interrupting the narrator. "Get in the freaking car!"

Felix, not noticing any of this, was still uncertain why Pete was giving him such a strange grin. "Um. Heya, Pete," he said. Sadly, his call was to go unrewarded.

Felix watched as Pete performed a strange sort of shuffly, jumpy, shoulder-shrugging maneuver behind the bush. Isn't that a potted plant? thought Felix. Then, without saying a word, Pete turned around.

At that moment, Felix noticed the SUV that looked a little like a taxi, but mostly looked like a security guard.

Oh.

Pete began to skip north, the direction away from where the SUV was heading. Felix, deciding that tonight was not the night to get involved in these things, hopped in the back seat of Joel's car.

The SUV pulled a U-ee.

6 seconds later, so did Pete, who started to walk/run faster. 5 seconds after that, the SUV pulled another one. "Like tennis," said Felix, under his breath.

This time, however, Pete decided he was caught. The SUV pulled up next to him as he slowed down. "Oh sh*t," said Joel.

Well, luckily for us all, Pete didn't get a ticket or go to prison. Turns out the SUV was more rent-a-cop than cop, and the man in the SUV just suggested that he get a taxi ASAP. Pete explained that he was just looking at a bush. The "cop" paused, then said, "Wait, isn't that a potted plant?"

Needless to say, when the conversation ended, Pete agreed to get a taxi as soon as possible, then, when Mr. SUV drove away, he hopped in the back seat of Joel's car.

As the four friends drove away, the adventure was replayed many times in word and thought, and everyone felt pretty much like a hero. About 20 minutes later, the four ended up at the drive-thru at McDonalds.

Pete hopped out of the car. "I have to piss again," he said.

"Dammit," thought Joel and Felix, simultaneously. "Where are you gonna go now?" asked Felix.

"Behind that bush," said Pete, who hurried away after indicating the well lighted shrub in the middle of the McDonald's parking lot.

Felix and Lacey shared a glance. Bush? they were thinking. Isn't that a potted plant?

Around the corner, a vehicle that could be confused with a taxi revved its engines.

The End

A return to things to come

Wow. So I've been posting an awful lot lately. I think I'm gonna make a commitment now. At least for a while I'm going to avoid worrying about how relationships work, why I don't get more lovin', and all those other things, and instead go back to what I do best:

Make up facts and demonstrate exactly why I am the coolest cat in a town of frozen tabbies.

To that effect, it is time for a new HTGBWET:

#342: Become an accomplished man of the sea, bleach your hair blondish, and establish a sort of jamaican accent. Learn to conga and tango, and maybe swing. Obtain a limitless bank account with which you are able to eat shellfish at least once a day.

Then give it up all to work with sick children in Bahraine.

When you come home, after you've taken a shower, you are guaranteed to be at least a mild babe magnet.

Also, learning a few romance languages couldn't hurt. And maybe a north african one, because that would be neat.

Um... in addition to all that, I once again ask that everyone click the google ad above. Last week was pretty good. I earned almost 21 cents! But so-far this week it's all still a goose egg.

a challenge, some links, and sports

To begin, I suggest going down one post, if you don't care about college basketball. Down one post is a nice blurb on my theories about starting relationships and social status.

Also, if you can correctly guess who the girl in those pictures I posted is, I'll give you a half-penny's worth of applause. And that's something you can take to the bank!

Now, if you do care about basketball, I've decided to back up my ascertation that Texas is better at home than on the road, because it is, by God, true, no matter if I am or am not a KU fan. The only thing that my status changes is the fact that I care about it.

So let's look at some really simple statistics, based exclusively within the Big 12 season.

1st: Texas has lost 3 times. All 3 losses were road games.

2nd: Texas's average margin of victory at home is 25 points. On the road, their margin of victory is 4.

3rd: Even if we discount the losses from the statistics, average road margin of victory is 15, still well below 25.

4th: On average they score 17 more points at home than on the road.

5th: They allow three fewer points at home than on the road.

What is the conclusion we might all draw from these statistics? Texas is BETTER AT HOME!

A reasoned response

I just posted 4 replies to my own post, then I remembered that I OWN this blog, and, as such, have every right to post the whole thing right here. So here you go.

...Um. Well, I thought I'd put out a reply to this, but it's a bit tricky.

Let me start by saying that, Erin, your first and second paragraphs don't match. In theory, your first paragraph is saying that I could get anyone, because women may be more likely to find me more attractive as they get to know me. But then your second paragraph suggests that I should behave like women are guys and assume that I have to settle, because women won't change for me.

You must imagine my perplexity.

Anyway, Joel is correct. I have never settled. If I've been interested in a girl, dated one, performed S&M with one, etc. etc., it was because she was, as we all seem to agree, beautiful in my eyes.

Allow me to post anonymously the email of another...

"I'm glad you decided to make some changes that you think may be helpful instead of getting sad and depressed (which is what I tend to do-as I'm eating my 2nd sandwich and drinking coke-NOT ALLOWED IN MY CURRENT DIET!). It probably would be good to start showing girls that you like them instead of being the big brother/buddy type guy (as long as you stay my buddy). I have had many guy friends like that (most of my best guy friends have that type of personality but it doesn't affect me cause I am on the inside-family circle) and I always tell them to start showing what they really feel and think. Doing that reflects confidence and that's what people are attracted to I guess."

Sorry, just thought I'd insert that. It's mostly unrelated to my own thoughts, but I figured everyone should be heard on the topic, if they happen to have an opinion.

Um, so where was I? First, I need it to be understood that this whole problem has been far more extensive than a 4 day issue. It's been the story of my life up to this point, it feels like. Certainly, I've had a bit of luck on isolated occasions, but overall my numbers aren't great. And, really, I think it has to do with more than my simple physical make-up. Being overweight doesn't stop everyone. Being unkempt and bearded has actually been a boon to a few.

I think our anonymous poster may be correct. Social circles are created by confidence, arrogance, belief, and a degree of disregard. A certain physical look may be the gateway to those personality characteristics, but said look isn't the whole package. Think of the beautiful people in high school for example. How many of them were ACTUALLY attractive? And how many attractive people were not considered beautiful people? There is a reason for all that.

My theory is that the Petes of the world are actually like me. They are not arrogant. They do not disregard other people. We all probably share a similar degree of confidence. The only difference is that people in bars have come to assume that individuals who LOOK like Pete and his similars are actually in the popular crowd. For a night, it is easy to keep up this facade.

And, really, shouldn't one night be enough? How do nervous men end up with "beautiful" women? They pull the bait and switch. They demonstrate a person they are not and then it's too late. A psychological commitment has been made. In the end it may work and it may not, but it has at least been given a chance.

As such, I stand by my desire to lose my weight and get a bit more muscular. If it works, neat. If not, well, I'll just have to try something else.

One other thing.

Joel, as you may have guessed, all of this could not help my current predicament. In that regard I am stuck and have no answer. As painful and idiotic as it must seem to you, though, I remain optimistic. It may take a month. It may take 3 years. It may take 40. I may have moved on time and again. I may get married. I may get divorced. But through all of that, in the back of my head, there will be a quiet, little man, waiting.

sidenote: KU sent me a letter today letting me know that I now have a scholarship that, if my calculations are correct, should pay about half my tuition, which is neat.

A quick edit

Concerning the adventuresome story about Pete. Don't think it is negative. Pete wanted me to write up a story about our night on the plaza. I'll get to it. I'm just a little lazy.

The Odd Man Out

I realized something terrible today. I've actually realized it numerous times before, but it makes me unhappy every time.

I'm the brother. That's my role. That's how pretty much all women see me.

The enclosed text is part of an email I wrote earlier, expressing my late-night sleepy feelings about an important subject: me.

So it's pretty late. When it's late, I tend to get in a reflective mood. Tonight (this morning) I would like to express my irritation that my buddy pete is a really, really nice guy with not a lot of self-esteem who also happens to be a very attractive fellow.

Now, the problem I have with this is that he's essentially got exactly the same bar resume as me. He's the "nice guy who every likes at the end of the night." And I'm very happy for him about this. It's just that I ALSO am the nice guy who everyone likes at the end of the night.

Except I am an awful lot rounder and less attractive than Pete.

Ordinarily I would resolve this issue by, of course, beating pete up, using my giant muscles and stuff, but I just wouldn't feel right about that. Pete is a good guy. He does not deserve to be beat up.

(Also, I'm actually a very nervous person who is as afraid of hitting people as of being hit!)

And I guess that's it. That's my rant. It may not be my best, because I only added one or two jokes at most, but what're you gonna do at this time of night?

The best question a person can ask one's self when faced with a situation like this is, "What are you going to do about it?"

And, I suppose for once, I have an answer for that. I'm going to have to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm tired of being the friend, the buddy, the surrogate brother, the nice guy with the keys, and all of those other things that make me uniquely myself and sad and alone at 5am. I'm going to have to stick to this diet. I going to have to lose this weight. Then I'm going to have to get mildly muscley.

And then, maybe, I'll get somewhere.

You know, a few weeks ago when I told you I was going on this diet, you asked me why, then decided it was so I could be a healthier person with less risk of heart disease and other things like that, but in all honesty that isn't the case.

I have great genes. I am the son of generations and generations of overweight people who lived til they were 80 and 90. I'm losing this weight because I don't want to be the third wheel, the driver, the cabbie, the odd man out, or any of those other words that mean the guy who sits alone at the bar.

p.s. speaking of which, my next entry will be a story about the talented Pistol Pete. I anticipate that it should be very adventure-some

Nothing Special

On the other hand, I had a pretty nice time last night.


As did, I'm guessing a few other people!

about law schools and over-reacting

This first segment is in response to questions received concerning my acceptance into KU:

I would not say that KU is my first choice, but I would definitely be happy to go there. To be honest, my first choice depends a lot on factors other than the actual merit of the school itself.

For example, my first choice would be William and Mary school of Law in virginia, but only if I get a research fellowship there. KU would be my first choice if certain key things happened that I anticipate will not happen now or ever. Temple would be my first choice if W&M didn't accept me and none of those other things happened.

See? And now what if various factors did end up happening? There are simply too many possibilities to accurately predict what's going to happen over the next month and 1/2.

So this is all a wait and see sort of thing. I guess we'll all know more by April 15ish.

In other news:

So, for fear that too many people are reading this blog, I'm going to keep the following thoughts intentionally really vague.

Women-type friends, do you often misinterpret when a guy either is or is not flirting with you? Especially if you've got a thing for said guy? I find that men in my general social class do this all the time. If I were interested in doing wonderful and naughty things with a particular woman, I would instantly start looking for any kind of sign that she might be interested.

This leads to an awful lot of misunderstandings, because, at least in my experience, I have never correctly determined a sign of flirting. Never. In my whole life. At least, that I know of.

I spend great deals of my time contemplating the slightest unusual turn of phrase or minor increase in conversation frequency. All of it gets me so psyched up that I automatically start assuming that the woman in question is in to me.

Luckily, I'm a huge coward. So I wait a few days, continue reading the signs and discover that the girl was probably just less busy/ in a good mood/ bored/ etc. And I just happened to be a handy person to talk to.

And so my slightly cynical HTGBWET tip of the day is this: She isn't flirting with you. Don't ever assume she is. You may act, but you must never assume you are reacting. And don't reach for the stars. Stars are really just points of light that happened a thousand years ago.

They are, essentially, illusions. And in the end illusions never make you feel good.

Newton!

Two more chapters up. I'm thinking that these might be the last ones I officially publish online. Until I get turned down by a few publishing houses, I'd like to have the option of actually publishing this story as a book at some point. (actually a trilogy, but who's counting?)

Anyway, feel free to give me your thoughts on that one. Also, for those really involved in the story, just let me know and I'll continuing emailing chapters to you on wednesday.

Chapter 10 - Newton

Chapter 11 - The Refugees

The whole thing